Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered: Setting Boundaries That Stick

When my dear friend, collaborator, mentor Juliane Taylor Shore (ask Jules) asked me to write the foreword for her book Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered I didn’t fully recognize the ways agreeing to this process would open me to new and deeper learnings.

As I deepened into the book and started implementing the brain savvy practices Jules presents I better understood — on a felt sense level — healthy boundaries are conscious practices we do; they are not what others do or don’t do.

Healthy boundaries help us to deepen self trust as we navigate hard relational moments. The practices in this book will help you to be with, rather than avoid, hard moments. Jules’ teachings will move you from reactionary to revolutionary and will help you begin to undo aloneness and believe in your growing capacity to navigate hard moments and enjoy easeful flows in relationships.

I believe the teachings in this book to be deeply personal and profoundly relational — they hold the power to change the world, starting with you. 

INTRODUCING: Setting Boundaries That Stick - How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered

Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected and Empowered looks at boundaries as both internal and relational.

Your brain is capable of connection with others, creativity and nuanced complex functioning when you feel protected and safe enough. It is just as important to grow your trust in yourself, treat yourself like you are worthy of protection and kindness, and create psychological safety for yourself as it is to communicate with others clearly about what is and is not okay with you.

This book will support you to get clear with yourself about what boundaries are right for you and give you steps, practices and tools to support you in living up to those decisions. If you want to dive into boundary work with depth and nuance, if you’ve been (or know someone) looking for a book about boundaries that is practical and full of ways to find your own healthy boundaries, then this book is for you.

Find more information about the book and preorder your copy at julianetaylorshore.com/book

I’ve been implementing these practices in my life and relationships, and in my work with clients, for some time now. While these teachings do challenge my clients and I to engage with hard stuff, they do so in a way that simultaneously opens new possibilities and offers deeply profound relief. 

I wish you the same. 

p.s. Jules, Vickey and I are soon publishing a special edition mini-series about boundaries that gives a sweet little preview to the book on the Why Does My Partner podcast, make sure to follow the show so you don’t miss it!

go spend a week with your family

This Ram Das quote always gets me. Like it sees through me and I feel deeply exposed gets me. No matter how solid my relational praxis, extended time with (and also at times away from) my family of origin can evoke historical knowings, fears, pains and reenactments.

As many of us prepare to welcome our own unique complex family dynamics into our homes and hearts, I invite us to also hold in mind the power and wisdom of witnessing our own spheres of influence and the grief that comes with our limitations as human relations.

And speaking of that you-turn, we’ve prepared a few listening collections of our Why Does My Partner podcast for you of our mini series’ + a holiday collection. If you find yourself needing a lil’ distance, excuse yourself from the commotion, pop one on and (if it’s not too frigid where you are) take us with you for a lil’ walk.

Sending all of us much love this season,

a love note to this work

It was literally the day after I co-facilitated our last Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp that my partner and I fell into yet another of our bumbly human relational ruptures. At the time, I really did *think* I was doing my work, using all my relational skills.

So what wasn’t working?

In retrospect, I was holding onto a fix-it agenda. I was not in my most relational self. I had to do a you-turn and reckon with me, work my side of the street to open myself to understand….and be humbled.

In Bootcamp we teach several relational skills, one of which we call direct requests. In this bumbly moment with James, I really believed I was practicing the skill and making a direct request. But in truth, I wasn’t. I wasn’t OK that he wasn’t ready to meet me where I wanted him to…on my timeline. Which means I wasn’t making a request at all, I was making a demand. And it turns out that timeline, when I really looked at it, was incredibly familiar. I grew up in a home where that timeline was held over me; it evoked so much activation within me during my formative years. And now I was replicating it with my partner. I was stuck in an agenda to get him to meet me where I was, now.

Ooooph. That took a bit to sit with.

Here’s what I had to reckon with: I was unconsciously foisting my old woundings off on my love. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t consciously realize I was doing so. My intent was to connect with him, yet it didn’t match the impact. And still, I had to reckon with and hold myself accountable when my old relational woundings oozed out onto him in ways that didn’t feel good. In order to do so, I had to observe me, and him, and us.

In order to observe us here and now, I needed to un-blend the historical from the present. Then and now. I also needed, even if just for a brief moment, connect that this wounding is an undigested decontextualized generational byproduct that’s been foisted onto me (as it likely was onto my ancestors ancestors ancestors). And though that’s not my fault, it is my responsibility to tend to now. It’s my responsibility to grow generational resilience. To get unstuck. And I can begin simply by observing me.

Once I was able to… we shifted. We were OK. James felt understood and he understood me. I understood me and I understood him. We both softened. We were reminded we can do hard things, together.

They say we teach best what we most need to learn.

I’m super grateful for the possibility that emerges through deepening an understanding of this relational language; it helps me deepen into the moment to moment day by day practice of bumbling and finding my way back.

I deeply desire to help more people learn this relational language. I believe these skills embody what these times need more of.

I hope reading my story helps you experience a piece of your story. That in reading about my you-turn you grow a deeper understanding of how to apply you-turns in your own relationships.

These ruptures and repairs feel awkward, messy, and uncomfortable because most of us don’t have much experience of them being normalized and valued relational skills. Yet, it turns out rupture & repair holds a ton of value. It’s the process thru which we humans grow intimate connection and deepen trust.

Here’s what I want you to take away, relationships grow deeper because of these rupture/repair moments, not in spite of them. In these moments we learn nuances about ourselves, one another, and our relationship.

Interested in learning more?

I invite you to join me and my Why Does My Partner cohosts, Jules and Vickey, for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp October 7-9, 2022.

I’d love to see you there,

make presence your practice

This world's been heavy. This country feels backwards and broken.

My heart waivers between heavy and angry and tired and numb. Yours too?

It's all so damn much.

All our Autonomic Nervous Systems are overwhelmed. And when overwhelmed we perceive greater aloneness and reckon with our sense of belonging.

In a world where it can be hard to stay present, make presence your practice.

Presence offers an antidote to the aloneness perceived in darkness. Shared moments of resonance feed our souls in days dark like these.

I invite you to practice with me. We can't practice it enough.

"I value you. You matter. I value me. I matter. I value us. We matter." Place a hand on your heart and belly to take your practice a little deeper.

Reach out to loved ones, friends you've lost contact with, catch the gaze of a stranger —and all people you meet in life (your postal worker, kid's teacher, grocery clerk, banker, fuel attendant, physician...everyone)— and remind them that they too matter.

Our collective humanity matters.

---

WHAT I’VE BEEN READING…

The Quaking of America: An Embodied Guide to Navigating Our Nation's Upheaval and Racial Reckoning by Resmaa Menakem

Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson

Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real

Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler

Relational Living Workshop 2/8/22

I deeply believe RLT embodies what these times need more of. I’m hoping to create momentum to help more people learn the skills of Us Consciousness.

Join me February 8th from 9:30-11am (eastern) via zoom for a workshop on relational living and the practice of us-consciousness.

Contact Infinity Presents to register:
call 845-419-3939 x1 or email info@infinitymentalhealth.com

I’ll also be co-facilitating Terry’s Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp with Juliane Taylor Shore and Vickey Easa this Feb 2-4, online. More info here.

The Erotic Philosopher Podcast: Creating Deeper Connections

The Erotic Philosopher podcast explores sex and pleasure in modern relationships & lives. Host, Cyndi Darell and her guests explore erotic quandaries through social, cultural, somatic, political and other lenses with the world’s wisest erotic philosophers. Hosted by sexologist Cyndi Darnell.

I joined Cyndi (a past Connectfulness Practice podcast guest) for a deep discussion around how to create deeper connections.

Have a listen:

An Invitation to Rewire How You Do Relationships

Have you been longing for more?

The Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp facilitated by me along with my esteemed colleagues, Victoria Easa and Juliane Taylor Shore, is fast approaching the weekend of October 24-25, and registration closes on October 15th.

We are shaping up to be a juicy bunch!

If you are longing for more "Relational Mindfulness" this workshop is full of exercises, practices and offerings that will help you look within at your own ways of showing up in relationships. It offers maps of how to shift into greater intimacy and relational well being.  

This online workshop is meant to meet you where you are, provide safety and welcome a variety of comfort levels. For some of us, going deep into our own process or making brave moves with our partners is the right next step. For others, sitting back, observing, and slowly taking in the paths to relational well-being that are being offered is a better fit. The great news is this workshop is designed for you to make it match you. With three facilitators you get to hear different voices sharing the wisdom found in the couples model created by Terry Real. With small break-out groups and facilitator support you'll be able to dive deep if you want to. With most of the concepts being presented in the big group there is a place for questions, conversation and just sitting back and absorbing. With this much safety, space and so many options for how to engage, we can accommodate a variety of learning styles.  

I started studying Relational Life Therapy roughly 4 years ago; it was one of the first models I found for relational healing that offered profound hope for shifting the most ingrained of relationship conflicts. The Relational Living practice makes explicit long standing emotional patterns of trigger and response and cultivates new opportunities to rewire how we do relationships. 

I met Vickey and Jules while training to lead this bootcamp with Terry Real in Mexico (with our spouses) on the cusp of the COVID shut- down. The six of us were drawn together, quite organically and so it made sense for the three of us to reconnect to co-facilitate Bootcamp.

We share similarities in our journeys, our own personal work, our relational work with our partners...and our commitments to our individual practices as therapists. And we each bring unique approaches and styles to our teaching, sure to energize the material and provide a variety of paths into the practice. 

Jules brings a profound understanding of interpersonal neurobiology and offers explanations for how healing happens. She'll help us understand why we do what we do, how we can see it and how we can break it down.

Vickey brings a very human ability to dive into our stories and uses herself and her lived experience to make this work incredibly relatable. 

And I bring a focus on the real and powerful possibility for relational healing when we can learn to bring consciousness, awareness, relationship mindfulness — Connectfulness® — to the moment. I focus not only on trauma and stickiness but on the true power of healing and growth.

If you have been wondering if your partner would come — if you are thinking ‘I am hoping for something more in how I feel day to day in my relationships’ — this is an invitation.  

We hope to see you among us, moving toward greater relational health together.

Click here to register.

Join Us to Activate Profound Relational Healing That Can Span Generations

If you’ve been following along with my posts to you over these last three weeks you may sense my excitement about the enormous potential for transformation that bringing in your authentic voice can have on all of your relationships: to yourself, to your partner, to your family and to your world. But once you do bring it in, it’s likely you’ll benefit from tools to navigate this new terrain and deepen your understanding of it.

What does relationship mean? 

We grow as humans through relationships. We learn about what’s safe and what’s not safe through our relationships as infants with our caregivers, as children with the people in our lives and ultimately as adults in relationship with ourselves, our partners and our own children. 

Relational healing has a lot to do with how we learn to see ourselves. The intersection of who we are and how we connect to what’s bigger than us impacts how we show up day to day, and how we understand what’s safe. All of that feeds into what triggers us. We often find ways we contort, or adapt to protect ourselves. Often there are stories we tell ourselves (usually passed down through generations) and we become triggered by how these stories affect not only ourselves but our understandings of each other in adult relationships with an intimate partner.

When we start to notice what we bring to the interpretation of the other, via our own story, and feel into where and how it triggers us in a familiar way, we begin to un-blend or disentangle from “story.” This is the moment when we can actually heal ourselves. We can notice the places where in relationship, in real time, in real life, both individually or together we can activate profound relational healing that can span generations. 

I’m thrilled to be co facilitating On Oct 24th & 25th: 10:30am-6pm (EST) a 2-day online weekend Relational Bootcamp for couples, individuals, and therapists seeking certification training in the Relational Life model.

This is an authorized presentation of Terry Real's Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp co-facilitated by me, Rebecca Wong, Victoria Easa and Juliane Taylor Shore. We are all certified Relational Life Therapists who collectively have 40 of years of experience helping individuals and couples move out of dark times. 

To learn more and register to join us, click here. 

Speak again soon,

p.s. have you listened to my most recent podcast episode, featuring Jules, on the science behind how your relationship can help you heal?

Why Can It Be so Difficult to Ask for What We Want in Relationships?

I know that asking for what we want isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds. 

Often, in our original families, we don’t really learn to share our truths; to be honest about what we feel and what we need. It’s no wonder we have trouble doing it now in our own family systems or close partnerships.

It’s not that we were taught to be untruthful. It’s just that we adapted to the silent messages that were passed along to us through our parents or care givers: 

that we were too much,

not enough, 

too loud, 

that we were too quiet,

annoying,

silly,

not good enough at something, 

not interested in the right things. 

Sometimes we were put in charge, asked to manage things we didn’t know how to, asked to process things that were too complicated, asked to step up too soon…etc. 

We may have become small in an attempt towards invisibility because it was safer or we may have become reactive in order to cope with whatever was happening because we felt threatened. That’s how we protected ourselves… 

Throughout these times, we may never have thought of these cumulative instances as overt traumas or abusive situations and yet, little by little, our needs were not being met as children. 

It’s not that our carers didn’t love us or want what was best, but sometimes just because they couldn’t see our needs and meet them, or adapt their own behavior we never learned how to acknowledge what we needed, what we really wanted and how to ask for help when needed.

In order not to rock the boat, not to bring shame on ourselves or our parents, not to disrupt, or lose whatever amount of respect or love we felt we’d secured for ourselves, we inadvertently continued, past the point of their usefulness, these assumed behaviors—and maybe we’re coming to see they don’t serve us anymore.

Sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re enacting them. 

But these adaptive coping legacies now impact our relationships with our partners and children and there’s a feeling of being stuck in a cycle of behavior that doesn’t help.

So it may be time…to make a choice. To take a very conscious step. To stake your claim on this very inconvenient truth:

that your authentic voice is now needed. 

And the voice that tells you you’re too much, so you keep quiet, or that you’re not enough, so you yell…you can talk to that voice. 

It’s not easy and yet, I must say…once you’ve done it. Wow. The shift is momentous. 

Staking your claim; talking to your old voices; seeing your Self, seeing your partner, listening… is becoming RELATIONAL instead of reactive and is a breath of fresh air for a family system.

Doing it with 3 Certified Relational Life Therapists is a safe, clear and (dare we say) fun way to commence!

If you’re ready to find out how, click here. 

Speak again soon,

p.s. stay tuned for my next podcast episode, available later this week, to learn more. 

Changing the Course of our Relationships

In my last post I mentioned strategies for changing the course of our relationships to ourselves, to our partners and to the world. 

There’s a lot of talk about compassion in relationships, and the world needs more of it, for sure.

But first I want to talk about an idea harder to digest than compassion: Contempt.

Let me begin to explain how essential an understanding of contempt is to our relationships and how it functions in them.

In our culture, we’re constantly inundated with the message that we're not enough, that we're inadequate, or could be better if only… 

This gives rise to un-healthy self-esteem, borne of a collective drive to feel good about ourselves. But it leads us into shame-spirals that pull us into a one-down feeling of inferiority or into a judgmental feeling of one-up grandiosity, superiority. Both positions are unhealthy and both hurt our relationships. 

Terry Real states over and over again that "the core energy in both, shame and grandiosity, is contempt."

Let’s unpack that for a sec… 

When contempt swings inward, we call that shame. When contempt swings outward onto those around us, we call it grandiosity. The energy itself is fundamentally the same. We may even use the same words to berate others as we use to berate ourselves. 

In his book, the New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real says,

“You know you’re in a real relationship the day you look at this person and realize they’re exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear into your eyeball. This person is going to throw me right back into the soup that I thought I was going to avoid. And that’s the good news, because that’s where the healing lies.”

Often we work our whole lives to avoid feeling pain and then we meet someone who has a unique power to trigger us! And we think that bolstering ourselves or blaming our partner is how we avoid feeling the pain. We think we’ll be better off if we escape pain and go into blame and shame…the truth is, we won’t be. 

We won’t be better off if we indulge, justify, mount a case, punish or withdraw; if we walk around huffing, puffing, yelling, finger-pointing, or turning our homes into war zones. 

We're just perpetuating and replicating the cycle of contempt. 

The practice of bringing awareness to how contempt is showing up in your relationship, and within your Self, can change everything. Life can become more manageable, and more, well, life-sized. Dynamics can change, loosen, transform. 

We all know what a life lived in fear motivates people to do on the world stage. What does fear make you do in your relationship? 

Wouldn’t it be easier to step into an honest reckoning with your deepest fears and learn how to ask for what you want? 

If you’re ready to find out how, consider joining myself and two fabulous certified relational life therapists a 2-day online weekend Relational Bootcamp for couples, individuals and also therapists training in the Relational Life model.

Speak Soon,

How do you get what you want in your relationship?

Yes, the world feels out of control.
Few of us are getting much of what we want these days. 

But let’s start with you. 

How do you get what you want in your relationship?
I ask because our relationships are NOT out of reach or out of our control. 

In fact relationships are one of the few areas we can profoundly impact day to day.

Sometimes we think we need to shut down the part of ourselves that still wants connection because there’s so much else requiring our attention. 

Or because the silence, or the arguments or the escalating discussions that hit the same familiar wall don’t seem to offer us a way forward. 

Our relationships are being tested. It’s true. Challenges to our lives, day in and day out, to our equilibriums, persist.  And unfortunately in the hardest of times it is often our relationships that seem easiest to put off dealing with. But when they’re working it’s our relationships that give us baseline comfort and empower us to meet these challenges with clarity. 

So stay tuned. 

In future posts I’ll be telling you more about a weekend of just you, or just you and your partner, and a team of three relational life therapists to guide you through every step and offer skills to make the process understandable and doable. Immediately. 

It will be a time to really unpack the habits that haven’t been working and replace them with strategies that will change the course of your relationship to yourself, to your partner and to the world.

Speak Soon,

How to Take Care of Fear

Recently I joined Hunter Clarke-Fields to talk about what do we do with our fears. Fear tends to creep up on us, leading to experiences of anxiety that keep us from being present. I’m talking about how fear can be our friend and our teacher, showing us where to tend and heal.

the essence of the human-condition

the essence of the human-condition

each 

caught up

relational 

tangles 

the legacy 

we leave 

tied to 

untangling

and 

connecting

knotted heirloom

invisible scars

collective healing 

re-membering

disarming self 

experience safety 

resting 

in other’s 

nervous system

i am

safe 

with you

i belong

begin

dropping 

defenses 

unclenching 

releasing 

control 

surrender

in space 

between us

meet

other 

again 

oneness

— rebecca wong 
connectfulness.com