Relationship Hack: Core Issues

I have a small, little relationship hack for you.  

John Gottman says that 69 percent of the time, all of the fights that you have in your relationships are going to be perpetually unresolvable.  

What if instead of looking at fight, we look at the core issue underneath the fight?  What if we started noticing the things that you're really thinking, things that are triggering you?

Things like "I feel like I don't matter" or "I don't feel like I could ever do good enough."

What if we get down to those issues and we help you to tune into them yourself? And we help you to help your partner tune into what's really coming up for you.  How would that change the quality of your fights?  How would that change the dynamics between the two of you and help you both feel more heard and understood?

I hope you enjoyed this relationship hack, I'm hoping to make Relationship Hack into a regular video series and bring more of these little bits to you on the regular.

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

I invite you to share your input with me, let me know what resonates and what you want more of. And if there are any questions you want me to cover in future videos...ask!

And as always, please share the love by sharing with someone that you love.

Rituals of Connection

Last week I posted a vlog on mind reading & relationships and I spoke about how common it is for couples to miss some important communication and connecting steps, simply out of mindlessness. In this week's vlog I'm taking you a little deeper and we're talking about HOW to start rediscovering and maintaining your connections with one another. Let's talk about how to find your rituals of connection.

Wait, what's that? Watch this brief video or read the transcript that follows and then join me in the discussion below.

I work with a lot of couples who feel like they miss each other, who feel like they aren’t able to tune into their partner or their partner is not able to tune into them.

Perhaps you can relate.

Something I tell my couples to do is to find something that they can make theirs, that becomes their regular ritual.

These are brief things.

These are things that take maybe one to six seconds in total. So, it’s really something you can do throughout the day.

I want you to pick something together that feels good for both of you.

You could both have something that’s a little different—that’s ok.

It could be something that you do when you’re walking by each other, like touching each other on the shoulder. It could be pinching each other on the behind. It could be ruffling each other’s hair. It could be what my husband and I like to do, which is a six-second kiss. It could be a lot of different things.

I want you to get really creative and come up with something that works for you.

I know at first it’s going to feel a little bit forced. And that’s ok.

The point here is that you’re really remembering to pause and to take notice of each other.

And to make that into something that you become really mindful of, so you’re becoming mindful of connecting with one another.

This is where it all begins.

Because when you can do this, then the next step is to start using it when you need something. The trick is going to be tuning into your own needs first. When you can do that, then you make a mindful effort to connect with your partner.

And then your partner makes the mindful effort to say, “Hey, what did you need?”

And that’s where you stop missing each other. 

Start with this little ritual. Just find something—anything, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be my thing. It can be your thing. But I want you to find something that allows you both to find each other.

So, whether it’s the six-second kiss, or it’s just caressing each other on the shoulder, or the behind, or the back, or ruffling each other’s hair—anything else you can think of—find your thing and start implementing it just when you’re passing by each other.

Just start making it your little ritual.

Come back and tell me how that goes for you.

Mind Reading & Relationships

Let's talk about mind reading.

No, it’s not something that I do. It’s not something that I think any of us do, but it’s something that we all wish for in our relationships.

I invite you to watch this video or read the transcript that follows.

If we look at parents’ relationships with their children, with little ones, there’s a really high degree of attunement where parents are supposed to know what their kids need.

I have a five year old. She often says to me, “Mommy, I was thinking that thing in my head and you just didn’t do it.” I think that’s a great example of how we expect others to kind of know what it is that we want. But we also have to learn—my daughter, again, is five so she’s still learning this stuff right now—how to communicate the things that we’re thinking.

Often times in relationships, we miss that step.

We think that our partner should know us so well. Right?

And if they really cared and if they were really paying attention, then that thing would just kind of happen. So, we miss that step. That’s one of the places where I’m always telling couples, telling people, telling partners to slow down.

John Gottman, one of the leading relationship experts—says that often couples get into trouble out of mindlessness, not malice.

I’d like to help you start thinking about this desire that your partner reads your mind as opportunity to tune in and to be more mindful of your relationship.

How can you play with this idea?

What your partner is really saying is, “I want to know that you’re thinking about me.” They want to feel like they matter to you, right? So, how do you play with this? How do you let your partner know that they matter?

You pay attention.

You tune in.

You notice where you feel like you’re missing something.

And you ask questions.

I'd love to hear, in the comments below, what thought this inspires in you and for your relationship.

slow the f*ck down

// art print by Lizzy Spohr Russinko at thisunscriptedlife.com, click to visit Etsy print shop //

It was a Thursday morning. I was in my sweaty yoga clothes, finishing up some business at my bank and heading home to walk the dog and get into my work.

It was one of those days —I was holding back tears. Emotion was welling up inside, but I was pushing through because so often that’s just what you do — or what I do. Chug through.

As I reflect now, I had been chugging for a bit too long. Not slowing down to listen within and feel all the feelings. Just chugging.

I teach my clients to pause and reflect and sit with their feelings — and yet here I was (again I’m seeing this only in retrospect) chugging through my feelings and keeping a tad too busy. The “too busy” allowed  me to avoid tuning in.

I had lots of big stuff bubbling up inside, but rather than giving all my feelings their space, I was stuck in a loop of pushing those feelings aside.

Ouch!

As I was unlocking my car door, the universe conspired to help me become aware - painfully aware - of my feelings.

There was a bumblebee. It stung me.

It. Stung. My. Right. Middle. Finger.

Thank you.

No, really. I needed that. I needed the reminder that it’s OK to get angry as all hell and show it - sometimes. As my middle finger swelled into a unbendable extended position, this was my cue to let go and laugh.  Essentially, I was forced to give the world a throbbing F*ck You.

It stung. But, man, it felt good too!

Instead of tying a string around my finger to remember to slow down and take care of what matters, the universe took a much more direct route. 

Funny thing about pain. Sometimes experiencing pain —I’m talking really allowing ourselves to feel it rather than run from it, or push it aside, or chug through— can feel right.

Feeling the pain can inspire the movement you need to take to get unstuck.

It also reminded me to appreciate the irony and humor that lurks beneath all the stress and madness of typical modern life. The forced ‘F*ck You’ felt kinda grand —like my life needed a big old “screw that” reality check so I could check back in and meet my real priorities.

This rebellious middle finger liberated me to just be honest about the stuff I needed to address. I needed to release things or hold more space for them — no more chugging and ignoring and holding back tears.

The pain helped me to tune back into me. I was running on empty. I needed to slow down and refocus.

Sometimes the universe conspires to help you feel. When it does, let it.

All those feelings, as uncomfortable as they may be, are really steps towards healing. All that feeling, that's your humanity.

This is Connectfulness. Listening to the universe and responding by slowing down. Slowing down and letting yourself simply feel.

I’m taking my own advice and I’m heeding the message and I’m slowing the f*ck down!

When you need to slow the f*ck down... How do you know? And what do you do? Post below and share the love by sharing this post.

Connected Parents. Balanced Kids.

[embed]https://youtu.be/F5o199cOpAA[/embed] Maybe you already know me, for those who don't, I’m Rebecca Wong a Relationship Therapist and a Connectfulness Coach based out of New Paltz, NY.  This is a transcription of my vlog, above.

Why connected parents make for more balanced kids.

It’s pretty simple, OK?  The idea here is that parents —when they maintain connections to one another— they model for their children a little less conflict.  Maybe it’s not even so much that they model less conflict.

It’s that they manage the conflict better.

And that’s probably the most important point here.  It’s in the managing conflict because when we don’t manage conflict, we breed anxiety.  And when we breed anxiety, we model that anxiety for our kids and—kind of hard to be balanced and to grow into a healthy human—a healthy adult human—when you’ve got a lot of anxiety going on.  

The anxiety is the stuff that gets in the way of our relationships.  

There’s a way to work with that anxiety and let it really help us in our relationships, but that takes a lot of skill.  And it’s not something that our kids are going to figure out on their own.  It’s something that we have to show them how to do.  

So, I get that relationships are tough—it’s something I work with everyday.   But, it’s really important for parents to look for a way to rediscover their connections to one another.  And this is true for all parents.  This is true for parents that are separated.  It’s true for parents that are divorced.  It’s true for parents that are married, whether they’re happily married, or not so happily married, or trying to figure out how they’re married.  

Finding your way to be on the same page with one another, to connect with one another, even if it’s just over tiny little moments, even if its over something that your kid did that was awesome.  This is important.  

It’s really important to show your kids a united front.

I hope that something here rang true for you today.  And if it did resonate, and if there’s anything you feel you could use a little help with, feel free to reach out.  Give me a call at 845-419-1494 or shoot me an email at rebecca@connectfulness.com.  

PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself (and the People You Love)

Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself (and the People You Love)

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 2: Life Is Made Of Little Moments <<

You want to show up for your partner? Reconnect with yourself first.

In the last two posts in this 8-part Reconnecting Parent Couples series we redefined intimacy and talked about making use of the little moments to connect. In this post, it’s time to look within.  

All of your relationships are truly a reflection of you and who you really are.  You learn about yourself when you interact with others and,in these exchanges, you’re presented with countless  opportunities to grow and evolve. Real learning never occurs in  in a vacuum. We are relational beings.

"We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people." Stan Tatkin, PsyD author of Wired for Love

In this post, I’m asking you to do something rather tricky.

First, I ask you to understand and agree that your perspective on relationships is primarily formed by the influence of other people. Then, I am going to ask you to take responsibility for transforming your relationship with your partner by shifting aspects of yourself.

Like I said - a little tricky, but I know you can do it and I promise it’s worth it!

Love is learned in childhood.

Within your romantic relationship  you and your partner  reenact that lessons of childhood.  Whether you like this idea or not, your choice of a mate has a lot to do with the  unconscious and unresolved experiences of your formative years.

In her book Falling in Love: why we choose the lovers we choose, Ayala Malach Pines describes how childhood experiences influence current relationships”  

• the ways our caregivers expressed, or didn’t express, love towards us

• the ways our caregivers expressed, or didn’t express love towards one another.

From the very start of life children absorb messages about how humans are “supposed” to interact. Before you had any concept of marriage or partnership you were learning how to form relationships based on the way grown ups behaved. You were learning to trust others (or not). You were learning how to respond to others and what to expect when others responded to you.

Your children, of course, have been going through the exact same process since the moment of birth as well.

Childhood experiences color everything about what you  understand about relationships.

Your childhood is the foundation of your inner world. These experiences are the basic  framework you use to relate to your partner.  It’s also precisely why your chosen partner is very likely your perfect partner to heal and grow with.

Even though your relationship has its hiccups and its clashes - everyone’s does, everyone’s -  you gravitated towards a mate who could provide you with constant opportunities to resolve that childhood stuff. 

And you offer the same to your partner too.

The potential for the healing effect of marriage and couplehood is mutual. And it is precisely because of all that you share - your bond with  one another,  your devotion to your children, and your shared legacy- that your are held in this traction to grow together.

But partnership doesn’t always feel healing. Often it hurts.

Your connection is strong, but it still strains sometimes.

That’s the thing though. That hurt. That pain. That’s where the lessons lie. If you and your partner can allow yourselves to lean into and share with one another those challenges can can enhance  the relationship and deepen  your intimacy.

I’m no exception. I struggle up against my own demons and my  does my husband does too. The more we each are able to sit with and examine the old hurts  the easier it is to recognize them when they show up in our lives together  We are able to bear witness, together, We can drop our defensiveness and quiet our reactions when we see them without defense when we see them manifest in our interactions.

It’s no secret that my husband and I fight from time to time. Sometimes we even get loud. We also comfort, hug, and hear one another.

Disconnects happen (and we’ll talk more about later in this series),.but they’re not the heart of the story. The heart of it all - and where you should place your focus - is how you make repairs and how you reconnect. Here’s the kicker: in order to fully connect with your partner, in order to really invest in the relationship in a sustainable way, you need to reformulate your expectations.

What if, instead of focusing on the isolation and abandonment you feel when you disagree you focused on looking ahead? What if you anticipated the the reconnect rather than dwelling on the disconnect?

When  you feel  a  distance between you, you can  learn to refocus your attention. Pause, look within. Take inventory on what you are feeling, what needs you have, and ask yourself “Have I expressed them?”

Maintaining & repairing connections to others begins with connecting to yourself.

You go through life in constant relationship - to other people the environment you are in, and to  yourself.

When you treat yourself poorly, you cannot soothe yourself. When you treat yourself with criticism, defensiveness and contempt, you tell yourself that’s all you deserve. How can you  believe that others want to treat you any differently than you treat yourself?  

In order to offer love and support to the people who matter most to you, you need to start with yourself. Love requires connection, so I called some of my brilliant colleagues to offer suggestion on how to reconnect with YOU.

7 Expert Tips on How to Reconnect with Yourself (and with the people you love)

Start by tuning in.

Listen.

“Listening to yourself is one of the most challenging and deeply rewarding endeavors you can embark upon. No one will ever hear you as deeply or understand you as richly as you can yourself.” Doree Lipson, LCSW-R

Practice mindfulness and choose to be aware of your own feelings.

“Being in a relationship with someone who is unaware of their feelings can be very challenging, if not infuriating.  It's the person who tells you they're not angry at you, but finds small ways to put you down in public or private. What's infuriating is if you call them on it, they often say it's you that's the issue. It's the adult version of the older sibling that takes the arm of the younger one and says, "Why are you slapping yourself?" over and over. Besides therapy--or in conjunction with it--having a mindfulness practice is the best way I know to connect with feelings we avoidby the myriad ways we have to distract ourselves. Building this practice as a couple is challenging, but extraordinarily worth it.”  Justin Lioi, LCSW

Connectfulness is a lifelong practice of relationship mindfulness. Really, that’s what we’re talking about here. Mindfulness is one of the most important things you can practice for yourself and yourself in relationship with others.

Take emotional responsibility.

Yes I know “take emotional responsibility” is a big, heavy phrase , but what we are talking about though is just that: BIG.

You, me, all of us must learn to pause more.Tune into yourself. Be attentive, and then from that space of awareness - not  from impulsivity - redirect your attention to your  mate (or children or anyone else who deserves your full attention).

“Emotional responsibility is about choices. It's when you choose to respond one way (that may provide the best possible outcome) rather than another way (that may simply be giving in to your natural impulse to defend, attack or push away).

Emotional Responsibility is when you choose to be happy over choosing to be right.” Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT

"Taking responsibility for yourself is an essential ingredient for having a connected relationship. Look toward yourself to be the catalyst and always be present by asking yourself what you can do to make your relationship more meaningful to both of you.” Stuart Fensterheim LCSW

Put on your oxygen mask.

You’ve heard about the whole self care thing a thousand times, but has it really sunk in yet?

“Self-care is fundamental to relationship-care! If an you are not doing well in taking care of yourself, how do you expect your relationship to thrive? If you love, honor, and treat yourself with kindness, your partner will recognize this. It's like when an airline attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. I tell my clients who struggle with self-care that it is not self-serving; it's self-preserving. Practicing good self-care will only enhance your relationship because you won't have to depend solely on your partner to fulfill your happiness and well-being.” Christie Sears Thompson, MA-MFT

Start with what feels good.

When you start consciously practicing self care in order to connect with yourself, just make sure it’s not another tedious “to do.”

“What things do you like to do that feels good and fills you up?  What self-care habits are good for you, like exercising (make it fun, not another thing you have to do), meditation (start with a few minutes especially if it is a new habit), or going out with friends, laughing, and having a good time.

If you are taking care of yourself you will be rested, can be more present, and be able to give to others.” Catherine O'Brien, MA, LMFT

Slow down.

Yes, slowing down may seem impossible (especially if you’ve got kids!), the good news is that it’s all about starting small.

"Creating (or recognizing) small moments throughout the day when you can check in with yourself, or notice something beautiful around you, or allow yourself to pause. We often think that reconnecting with ourselves needs to happen on a giant scale (yoga retreats, day-long spa appointments) but it can start right now, in the small moments - savoring a good cup of coffee (the smell, taste, watching the steam), taking 3 deep, intentional breaths, listening to a favorite song.

Reconnecting can start small, and still be incredibly meaningful." Maya Benattar, MA, MT-BC, LCAT

“Parents are pulled in so many different directions and you can lose sight of yourself. I challenge parents to do one thing for yourself daily that helps you slow down and reconnect to yourself -- read a chapter in a book, take a shower, go on a walk, watch a 30 minute show, or just sitting outside and taking in the day. Doing this recharges you and leaves you with more time for your kids and for your partner.”  Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

Let go of critique.

Remember: in order to receive love from others you need to love yourself first. Give yourself permission to silence the inner critic so you can hear all the nice things you and everyone else has to say about you.

“Being comfortable in your own skin and finding time, even if it's 5 minutes a day to practice mindfulness and body awareness are huge for creating intimacy in our partnerships. If a person is disconnected from their own body, or spends time criticizing it, they will not be able to connect with their mate. Meditation, yoga, breathing, or 5 minutes of stillness are great ways to reconnect with our bodies.”  Anna Osborn, LMFT

“The most important relationship you will ever be in, besides the one with your higher power, is the one with self. If you cannot show up in compassion, gentleness, humor and love to self, it will be challenging to do that with your significant other”. Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT

Play with pleasure!

We’re talking about connecting to yourself and we’re talking about pleasure. I bet you can see where this is going...

“I ask women to masturbate. Many moms are so tired that their libidos are low, and this can help them explore what their bodies like and don't like without the added complexities of the relationship. I find this homework to be really illuminating! Often it is very hard for a mom to dedicate time to do this since it's not 'productive' or child oriented. She can discover important things, like if her libido is clinically depressed, and also new ways she likes to be touched. Outside of that, I encourage parents to play in their own lives, particularly doing things that aren't 'important' or on the to-do list. Intimacy requires a letting go of control, which is hard for parents, especially moms, and finding moments of undirected pleasure broadens the comfort zone for letting go and connecting.” Dr. Jessica Michaelson

“Sexually and sensually speaking, a great way to reconnect with yourself is through self pleasure (most commonly referred to as masturbation). It can be a safe space to explore and rediscover what you desire, like, and don't find arousing. You are always evolving which includes your sexuality. Additionally, going through a life changing transition, such as becoming parents, can impact your sex life. What once was a total turn-on may now be a major turn-off (i.e. nipple play now that you may be breastfeeding is just one of many examples). By allowing yourself the space and time to explore and practice, you can reconnect with your sexual and sensual self which not only benefits you, but also your sweetie!” Dr. Lily A. Zehner

This isn’t a simple “do these seven things and change your life instantly list.” This stuff is big. And here’s why:

Cultivating more intimacy in your life takes attention and more importantly, mindfulness. It has everything to do with where you choose to place your attention. It’s truly that simple. And also that complex because if you are anything like me then the trickiness lies in refocusing your priorities. When you really pay attention you might find that your conditioned ways of being don’t bring you the intimacy you crave.

It’s your awareness that will help you gain clarity into what’s missing. What I expect you will find is that one shift precedes the next. This is a path of lifelong learning that begins with tuning in, slowing down, taking responsibility, making space for more self care, silencing your inner critic, giving yourself permission to feel good & also to seek pleasure. What kind of relational changes will embodying that path invite into your life?

If I’ve got you wanting more, awesome! Now I challenge you to go a step further; pick out at least one thing you can do more of and do more of it. I would love to hear what shifts you experience, I invite you to email me or post in the comments below.

>> Part 4 | DISCONNECTION HAPPENS, OR, YES, HAPPY COUPLES FIGHT TOO! <<

The best sexual education your kids could have

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” You’ve heard that  Jim Rohn quote, haven’t you? This summer, I feel like I’m boosting my average in a profound and fabulous way. At the end of May, I attended The Most Awesome Conference for Therapists, seriously...that's what it was called and it totally lived up to it's name! The caliber of therapists and consultants that I met there was so far beyond any professional experience I've ever before had. Simple put, it was awesome - truly. At this conference I found myself immersed within a tribe of therapists who’ll be collaborators and wonderful co-conspirators. Who know’s what we’ll mix up? So many awesome things have already sprung from those connections!

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW is one example. I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Stuart following the conference for his THE COUPLES EXPERT PODCAST.

Stuart and I  talked about the connections that make everyday count and, how parent partners are the central core of creating security for a family. We delved into how couples can hone those connections to stay focused on maintaining the security that keeps relationships and families feeling safe. You’ll learn how couples can shift away from the primal panic that triggers conflicts. We also explored the special needs of stepfamilies.

If you want to raise children who are are connected and know how to have healthy relationships (and I do - that’s Connectfulness!) then, as a parent, you need to enjoy a healthy, connected relationship with your partner. Your kids learn from you and the environment that the two of you create together.

Thing is, most of us (myself included) didn’t necessarily absorb all this yummy connection in our own childhoods so we may need support as we fill in the gaps we want to teach our own kids.

The podcast is a great place to start.

http://traffic.libsyn.com/thecouplesexpert/Parent_Couple_Relationships_Are_Reflections_Of_Ourselves.mp3

Children soak up connection

Children  are built to be connected beings. They’re born to attach to us and attach us to them.  As parents, our role is to teach these little humans how to relate human to human. And to do this, we have to help them understand intimacy and boundaries in a way that feels safe and secure.

In other words, the relationships we have with our parents as children, and the relationships we have with our children as parents...this stuff matters.

Watching your parents be a couple together IS sexual education.

Babble.com recently featured What the Dutch Can Teach Us About Sex Ed by MICHELLE HORTON - and it includes a pretty extensive interview with me. It’s all about why it’s so important to delve into these intimate conversations. Have a look and discover why talking about pleasure is something we all must become more comfortable doing. (I promise you’ll like it!)

“I find it so important to talk about how parents enjoy one another. I suspect we often forget to teach this important piece beyond the mechanics [of sex]. Our little ones deserve to know that relating and being intimate with others can feel good, emotionally and physically. Pleasure is, after all, what drives us.”

Bringing sexual education home is about getting comfortable with pleasure and intimacy — and that’s often the dilemma, isn’t it? Have you forgotten how to connect to and enjoy your partner? Parenthood has this way of distancing mates.  So many little things (and people) popping up with demands. So little time left for one another. And if your partner doesn't boost you up everyday, then who does?!

More ways to connect

If you are a Hudson Valley neighbor, consider joining me for The Art of Connectfulness: A workshop for Parenting Couples. We’ll address this dilemma while we ALSO make connecting happen in a fun tangible way.

Local or not, I encourage you to sign up for the global virtual summit on #couplesconflicts with Dr. Carlos Todd. The summit is packed with sage advice and wisdom from couples experts around the world. It includes an interview with me that will interest you if you want to learn more about  the mindset of play and how it can help couples to manage conflict (if you’re following my work, I bet you do!).

Sign up for free at www.couplesconflicts.com!

The #couplesconflicts summit also features three of my awesome conference colleagues: Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW, Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT & Michelle Farris, LMFT!

Ditching the fear. Let's start talking about intimacy.

I invite you to join me in what I consider to be a really important discussion around ditching the fear of talking about intimacy.

The effects of not having a safe space to talk opening about intimacy and sexuality is one of the issues that brings many adult clients into my office. Twenty somethings who are working to redefine a healthy sense of sexuality so they can build safe secure relationships that they didn’t learn about in their childhoods; young parents who are sorting through what it feels like to love and be loved, trying hard not to push one another away as they raise their children and tend to their own child-selves. Empty-nesters who feel unfulfilled intimately.  And I know that as much as we struggle to discuss this topic, it's not a struggle we hope our children will share.

transcript

Hi, my name is Rebecca Wong. I’m a Relationship Therapist based in New Paltz, New York. And I want to start a discussion with you today about intimacy, about relationships, about sexuality, and how it all defines who we are and how we have healthy relationships with one another.

Most of us learn about intimacy when we are children. We watch our parents in relationships. We watch how well they get along,  or don’t, how comfortable they are with their own sexuality, with each other, with talking about difficult topics like menstruation, and the birds and the bees, and where babies come from. And having sex. And pleasure.

Pleasure is one of those things that we don’t talk about very much.

We learn about intimacy from the media and pornography and the movies. And we learn about it from our peers. And what ends up happening is that we don’t have a lot of safe places to talk about what it really can be.

So, how do we go about having healthy adult relationships? How do we go about teaching our children about having healthy adult relationships as they mature? We end up walking through relationships from this place of fear, instead of from a open, light, playful space where we just get to enjoy and explore how to connect with another human being because that’s really what this is all about.

So, I’d like to begin a discussion over at Connectfulness.com and I hope you’ll join me there. Take care.

If I've struck a cord, please leave a comment and let me know what you want to hear more of!

Part 2: Life is Made of Little Moments

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 1: Redefining Intimacy After Children <<

Life swirls around us. The world becomes increasingly complex. And, in the midst of our busy days with their packed schedules and endless to-do lists, somehow the things that matter do get attended to: you eat, you sleep (some-nights better than others), you survive.

Surviving each day doesn’t mean you are thriving, however. And you don’t want to merely survive when it comes to what’s most important - your intimate relationships.  You want to thrive.

In part 1 of this 8-part series, Redefining Intimacy After Children, we looked at how you change as a couple when you become parents, and I made you a promise that we’d dive deeper into how you can connect more fully.

Here’s a hint - it’s in the little moments.

Thriving is about developing and tending closeness and togetherness. It’s about bettering your understanding of yourself, your partner and your child(ren) and loving more fully. It's these very connections that I want to help you (re)focus on - this is what I’m striving to focus on in my own life too.

"Sometimes just cuddling together and talking is just the little moment you need to reconnect.” Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

You can tune into yourself, your partner, and also to your children through a practice of mindfulness It’s like this for just about everybody: so much of what we do in relationships we do without thinking. We act on autopilot programing that became part of our basic wiring  in our own early childhoods. These primary experiences influence just about everything we do - especially how we handle intimacy in our adult relationships. Much of our programming might be positive, but the negative experiences can cause partners to feel lonely and disconnected in their marriage.

The first step, be mindful of the little moments.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes

“The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to it’s ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

What Gottman's four decades of researching couples has brought to the field of relationship therapy is that these mini-moments are EVERYTHING when it comes to how a couple experiences one another and their relationship.

"I love the little moments. Grand gestures are nice too, but there is something so sweet and lovely about a small gesture that packs a whole lotta love! We may miss the little moment(s) our sweetie is offering as a way to connect because perhaps we are too busy or too tired, or we may be overlooking them because we think the moments should look a certain way, but I assure you they are happening. Each bid for attention is an opportunity to turn towards them and further connect or turn away and disconnect.I encourage you to start looking for these moments and accept them. The next time your partner asks you how your day was, share it with them. The next time your partner is jazzed about a new movie, offer to go see it with them. Intimacy and connection happens in the small moments, be sure to open your eyes and your heart to them." Dr. Lily A. Zehner

When you and your partner do turn towards one another every day, you create opportunities to fill one another up. When all else feels off, when your sense of self falters, your partner can be the secure base you can return back to over and over again.  Ideally speaking, of course.

“Little moments are sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created”  Anna Osborn, LMFT

On the other hand, when you repeatedly miss these moments, your relationship feels shaky.  Missed moments of connection are akin to withdrawals, some larger and more taxing than others. So when you do connect in these special little moments, it's everything. Each of these moments - whether the connection is made and even when it’s missed - is an opportunity for you to see yourself as you really are and even heal your child-self. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to find connection in one another and grow. In other words, every little moment can become an opportunity to help both of you feel more secure. As you relate to one another, learning to tune into and navigate one another’s insecurities, you can bolster and make life together feel safer and more connected.

“If partners realize that every time they see their partner smile, laugh or just enjoy themselves as a direct result of something they did or said was directly related to their OWN happiness, I think efforts would be doubled.”  Robyn D’Angelo, MFT

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), explains how these patterns of disconnect can actually be a chance grow closer.

“Luckily, we all get stuck in the same places, so we can chart how lovers miss each other. We know that once you learn to SEE the moves, the dance, the pattern, and see how it plays out, you can chart a way out. The best way is to recognize the vulnerable emotions that shape each person’s steps.”

The things that matter most are the littlest moments our day that we forget to focus on.

“Physical touch is deeply connecting, in the most literal way. I encourage couples to touch each other, like a simple hand on a shoulder, pat on the tush in more playful moments, kiss on the cheek in passing. Adding touch to your interactions doesn't take much time and can elevate the mundane to something connecting and pleasurable. I'm also big on thank yous, you're welcomes, and I’m sorrys. We tend to grunt to each other, which is indicative of the depth of our closeness, but taking the effort to articulate appreciation and acknowledge the other person fully can go a long way.”Dr Jessica Michaelson

“The little moments add up to something big. Daily connection is making eye-contact, sharing an intimate smile, laughing together.“ Anita Mambo Cohn, LCSW, MA “

Almost every situation you and your partner find yourself in is an opportunity for connection. With or without children, chores around the house, dinner with the in-laws, or at school events—what the two of you know loud and clear is that both of you accept the responsibility of making every day count toward bringing you joy.” Stuart Fensterheim LCSW

I recently led a session on Connectfulness at the Mindful Mama Retreat in Pennsylvania where we talked  about the importance of rituals of connection.  One of the participants, Jennifer, wrote about her experience in her Mandalas for Mamas blog following the retreat, specifically of an exercise I sent participants home with, the six-second kiss. :

"And that’s exactly what I did when I got home that night – I chose my focus before I walked in the door (connection), I took a deep breath as I climbed over the obstacle course of toys, and I. kissed. my. husband. For six seconds. I gazed in his eyes. I saw his relief that I wasn’t starting off our hello with a complaint. It left me with a much better feeling than my usual approach."

Fantastic, isn't it?! You can read the whole post here- it is brilliant, Jennifer brought it home!

You need a six-second kiss

Let’s elaborate on this “exercise” Jennifer referenced: the six-second kiss. OK, so maybe it doesn't need too much elaboration, after all. It's, you guessed it, a kiss that lasts for a whole 6-seconds. Sounds simple enough, right? In theory yes, it is.  But really, the intimacy that comes with literally being up in one another's faces for a whole 6-seconds.  It can be intense.  And hot!

When I introduce idea of the 6-second kiss I introduce along with it another exercise, 60-seconds of eye contact. I find gazing at one another is more do-able for couples who have histories of trauma or abuse simply because you don’t have to touch. Some find it easier, others more intense.  All the couples I know that hop on board and practice it find themselves experiencing significant shifts.

Think of how you say good morning, good night, hello and goodbye to your life partner each day.  Are these moments soft or harsh? Do you welcome a few seconds of intimacy or are you setting yourselves up for a missed moment? What impact would being mindful of these moments have on yourself, your relationship, and your life? These moments in the midst of the daily routine are the easiest to make into mindful rituals. Soften into these moments and see how you’re able to reconnect with one another more easily and more often.

>> PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways To Reconnect With Yourself (And The People You Love) <<

Part 1: Redefining Intimacy after Children

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

The parent couples who find their way into my office and onto my therapy couch are looking to reconnect.

Adding children to their lives reshaped how they interact with one another. Their romance may have fizzled. They may feel disconnected from each other, from their kids, and from themselves.

When the parents are disconnected, the whole family feels the effect. Children certainly feel it and react to it. For many of my clients, this is the point they seek help. They want to keep growing as people, partners and parents and they want their family to grow together.

Intimacy didn’t used to look this way

Once upon a time, not long ago, these same parents were childless couples and life had a very different rhythm.

Now they have children, and they are dedicated to helping them grow up to become resilient adults. Resilience helps us overcome family conflict and weather disconnects. It helps people solve their own problems, take appropriate risks, look within and connect more deeply with others. It’s what helps us bounce back from setbacks and navigate life’s adventures.

To model the resilient behavior they want to see in their kids, they’ve got to be resilient individuals, a resilient couple, and resilient parents.

Intimacy within a parent couple is the root from which the family’s resilience grows. Intimacy begins with how we tend to ourselves, each other… and then ripples out towards our children and our greater community.

Intimacy is everything when it comes to what we teach our children about their world and relationships. Intimacy is what fosters, maintains, and balances connection. We share intimate connections in the form of friendship, humor, romance, appreciation, how we manage conflict, dream and create meaning together.

We all want to live a full life, a life full of relationships that fill you up, a connected life.

I’ve been reflecting back on my own pre-child years. Affectionately, my husband and I have dubbed them our Dual-Income-No-Kids years (“DINK” for short). We played hard, immersing ourselves in one another’s inner lives. And sex was spontaneous and abundant.

Then we became parents. Though we were sure that little would change, inevitably, it did. We had one, then two little beings with needs and desires of their own to be responsible for. Our family income didn’t extend as far as it once did. Neither did our time, nor our energy. With kid mess to clean up at the end of day, and the exhaustion that accompanies parents’ sleepless nights, our busy lives simply didn’t feel as sexy or connected as they once had.

The simple, dirty truth is that intimacy changes after children.

Becoming parents throws just about everyone for a loop!  Despite the rosy lenses you might manage to maintain pre-kids, the shifts that come with transitioning and growing in parenthood are substantial. You have to continuously relearn yourself, your partner, and your children.

In this process, so much unexpected stuff —old, childhood stuff— emerges in new ways. Even if you and your partner have been together for years, you have to figure out how to navigate old territory anew.

You hold and support one another through sleepless nights, tantrums, and illness. Together, you try to get through all the messy, hard-to-manage parts of life and parenting that no one mentions in those books on managing pregnancy and birthing and babyhood.

When a couple’s intimacy wavers, the family as a whole becomes less stable.

When parent couples come into my office I hear a lot about the deep disconnect that emerges when parent’s own childhood obstacles are exposed under the pressure of parenting. These old stresses and wounds grow and overwhelm the couple, and eventually, the family as a whole.

Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us: 8 Steps to Grow a Family that Thrives, helps us understand different types of  intimacy shared between a parent couple, she writes:

“Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs. Physical intimacy is spending quality time, giving and receiving affection and doing fun things together. Emotional intimacy grows as we share feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. Spiritual intimacy can evolve out of all these things: sharing the wonder of a waterfall, the peace of meditation, the reverence of prayer. Sexual intimacy sets our partnership apart from all other relationships we have. Intimacy gives us our mutual sense of belonging together.

Intimacy is an invitation, a revealing of yourself to another and having this glimpse acknowledged with  acceptance and appreciation. Intimacy involves trust and reciprocation. Shutting down or shutting off in any of these aspects will affect the others.”

Connection Springs From Sharing Your Stories

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, renowned marriage and relationship expert, John Gottman writes

“The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.”

Personally, I’m simultaneously growing as a person, partner, parent, and private practice therapist.  It’s an amazing experience to notice all these aspects of myself evolve in tandem and merge together in who I am.  The more I grow in one aspect, the more the ripple of my growth is experienced both by me and those around me in other aspects.

As I grow and evolve, I’m seeing and respecting more of the man my husband has grown to become. I’m watching him grow into himself and seeing daily leaps and shifts he continues to make, both big and small.

We’re constantly discovering more about one another. He’s still able to share new stories from his past with me.  Some of which make my heart ache for him.  Many make me proud of this man I married.

As I hear more of his stories, the disconnects we experience and the patterns we struggle with make more and more sense. And I know our relationship makes more sense to him as he tells these stories and listen to those I share with him. As our shared parenting journey inspires us to explore past experiences, we get a clearer vision of the people we want to be.

Together you’re on a path to becoming who you want to be.

Anna Osborn, LMFT a relationship therapist in Sacramento, says that we should be mindful about intimacy and define it more broadly.

“Before kids, spontaneity and creating intimacy are typically assumed, but after kids arrive, intimacy is something couples have to work harder at. There has to be more mindfulness about creating and maintaining intimacy. Intimacy also gets broadened beyond just sex and into a deeper emotional and physical connection.

Expanding on what intimacy means to a couple allows them to identify more opportunities for emotional and physical connection. If they only look at intimacy as sex, they lose all these great moments of tenderness and connection. Holding hands as they take the kids for a walk, sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created…these are all ways to reflect and create connection in the relationship.”

Intimacy comes in many shapes, sizes and forms when your intent broadens into regaining, deepening and maintaining connection.  Deep discussions, cuddling, holding hands, massage, eye gazing, playing together, being still together, being silly, folding laundry, cleaning up messes and even juggling life’s complexities and navigating the dark places can offer just as much connection as sex -  if not even more.

Sex alone is simply not be enough to maintain connection between a parent couple.

When connecting has become hard, it’s important to be mindful how reconnection happens.

“Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” -John Gottman

Research shows that couples who are mindful of making the effort to reconnect, bounce back from disconnects with more ease. In a word, they’re more resilient.

Dr. Jessica Michaelson shared with me how she helps couples begin to rediscover one another.

“I help parent couples reclaim intimacy through enjoyable activities. I use the concept of “Make the right thing the easy thing,” and believe that if something is pleasurable we are more likely to do it. I help couples find really small ways of enjoying each other, like sharing an inside joke, texting with silly emoji sentences, going to an arcade instead of dinner on date night.”

When you begin to redefine intimacy, you too may start seeing shifts almost immediately. Connecting doesn’t have to be complex!

You’ll develop resilience in your relationship when you stay open and flexible and actively seek ways to reconnect when you lose track of one another’s needs and expectations.

Again, it doesn’t have to be complex. In future posts we’ll dive deeper into how you can  connect more fully by being mindful of one another’s needs and inner world, sharing appreciation, playing & laughing, dreaming and finding shared meaning together.

So much shifts when couples redefine intimacy after children. Shifting your expectations about what intimacy looks like now can create big ripples in the satisfaction you experience in your relationship. I want to help you redefine intimacy now that you are parents.

Please join in the discussion below.  How have you redefined intimacy with your partner since becoming a parent?

>>  Part 2: Life Is Made Of Little Moments  <<

This post is also a part of the Raising Resilient Children blog-hop. Hop on over for more tips from mental health professionals.

talking to kids about sex

Last week I was interviewed for a super fun piece to be published in the May issue of the Poughkeepsie Journal's Living & Being Magazine about how and when to start talking to kids about sex.  This is one of my favorite subjects!

It's all about encouraging open discussion.

It's not about a single talk, or even twelve dozen. But it does begin early on.  As early as you start to teach your children what to call his nose and her eyes, you are also sending messages about what they should call their body parts and how comfortable to be with all these parts of themselves and in talking about them with you. Just like a belly button is a belly button and an ear is an ear. A penis is a penis and a vulva is a vulva.

Giving children language is the one of the earliest steps we take in promoting open communication and self acceptance. Both of which are integral in our development as healthy relational beings.

Humans are driven towards connection from birth. We thrive in connection. Our drives to attach to others and create love bonds are strong, biological and deeply rooted in our survival. Sexuality ensures our species survival, it is a biological drive that reinforces our bonds with others.

Children are sponges, they pick up and take in how you interact with others, especially your mate. As children grow into adults they mirror the relationships they absorbed early in life. This influences their identity. Just as it did for each of us.

What kind of relationships do you want for you children to grow into?

Those are the relationships you want to be living now —and if you aren't yet that's ok— take note and begin crafting a sustainable plan towards being who you want to become. This is where you have influence over who your children will become. Be it. The healthier you are, the healthier they are.

So, sex. Do you dream that when your children grow up they will be healthy adults in healthy sustainable relationships? Do you encourage your children to come to you with questions and curiosities as they arise or do you prefer they explore their curiosities with peers? It's human nature to be curious and to seek intimate connections, that is how we learn and grow. Creating an open dialogue encourages your children to keep you involved and helps yo stay attuned to their curiosity. Your parent/child relationship is the first intimate relationship they will experience and they will model all future relationships off the intimacy you share.

Often when parents feel ashamed, embarrassed or uniformed about sex (or any topic for that matter) they inadvertently close down dialogue before it begins. And that's unfortunate.

In my work with parents, couples and teens I have a unique window to witness how parents own discomfort around sex, sexuality, intimacy and relationships in general are mirrored in their children and with that window comes an opportunity to help re open the dialogue, at any age. It's no secret that I love my work.

Want to learn more? Join our FREE Informational Session for Parents.

Talking to your Kids about S.E.X.: tools to help parents create open dialogues with kids of all ages. 6:30PM Thursday, April 23rd at Bambini Pediatrics.

We have limited space. RSVP here.

Talking to Kids about Sex

Mindful Mama Retreat

I am incredibly excited to share my passion: maintaining intimacy and connectfulness with your partner as a part of an awe-inspiring line up in at the Mindful Mama Retreat.

If you know a mama who may like to join us {maybe you?}, please share this with her!

You manage it all: runny noses, packing lunches, loads of laundry, classes and playgroups, commuting, meetings, emails, phone calls, friends, family, sibling relations, tears, naptime, diaper changes, hugs and kisses, high fives, doctor’s appointments, healthy meals, birthday parties, bath time, repeatedly reading a favorite book, nighttime comforting.

After all you give to others, take some time to care for and replenish yourself!

Mindful Mama Retreat will provide you with space and support for mindful reflection, connected community and inspired growth. You will walk away refreshed and invigorated, fully equipped to live fully and thrive as a mother, a person, and a partner!

The retreat features 4 powerful and inspiring women who want to share tools and insight to help you live your best life as your happiest and most fulfilled self.

♥ Become a Grounded and Peaceful Mama through Yoga with Hunter Clarke-Fields ♥ Maintain intimacy and connectfulness with your partner with Rebecca Wong, LCSW ♥ Incorporate simple practical, doable, Mindful Self-Care practices into your life with Sheila Pai ♥ Explore your creativity through the beauty of art and writing with Lizzy Spohr Russinko

Date: May 16, 2015 Time: 8:30 registration, 9 am – 5 pm retreat Location: Open Connections, 1616 Delchester Road, Newtown Square PA 19073

Click here to register today for this Mindful Mama Retreat and secure your spot in this rejuvenating circle of support!

balance

You strive for more balance in life.

Your Life is busy. There's always a lengthy list of competing demands on time and energy. It can seem like a daily struggle to find and maintain balance. And just when you feel like you’ve found balance...it's gone. Fleeting. Elusive. That pesky little sucker.

I think of my own life. I'm balancing my marriage, our kids, my business & clients, my own self care, our house, laundry, meals, personal & professional growth, my list goes on. Often I catch myself wondering if I am good enough and I know I am not alone. I hear this inner chatter reflected back from countless clients, colleagues, family and friends.

There's an art in maintaining balance. The art lies in developing and maintaining awareness of when we are off balance; this awareness, of when we are out of balance, allows us to make adjustments to bring us back into balance.

Balance is not static.

I think for example of a practicing a handstand.  While a perfectly poised handstand seems so solid and strong, the gymnast is artfully tuning in to each little shift and responding accordingly, hollowing their core, driving through the shoulders, pointing the toes, playing with the back and forth fine tuning of maintaining their balance in their hands, ever so slightly back and forth between the palm and the fingers.

Balance begins within.

To bring about harmony, reconciliation, and healing within, we have to understand ourselves.  Looking and listening deeply, surveying our territory, is the beginning of love meditation.

--Thich Nhat Hanh, Teachings on Love

 A practice of self compassion, begins with deep listening and curiosity and doesn’t leave room for the chatter and fear that you aren't good enough. You hear that chatter but are not stuck in the muddy muck of your mind.  You notice your worries and fears but do not feel paralyzed by them.  Awareness becomes your greatest teacher.

Balance is the art of awareness and response.

When you look for others to value, affirm and admire you -- instead of looking within yourself, admiring yourself, finding your own value and affirmations -- balance often will continue to elude you. When you start looking for balance within yourself, you'll soon experience more of it outside yourself and within your relationships too!

I’d love to hear how this resonates for you and how you apply (or plan to) a practice of self compassion to bring you back into balance, join the discussion in the comments below!

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If you say it, they will learn it

Family history colors how we interact with the world. We take in the stories we read and hear through the lens of what we have been exposed to through our family, it’s what we know.  Similarly, our sense of security and trust --the ways in which we understand, feel and show our love-- are all made up of lenses we constituted as children. Our adult lenses are colored by the lenses our own parents modeled for us as children just as our children's lenses will be colored by what we model for them. These lenses affect everything.

The romantic partnerships we are drawn to.  How we value and respect ourselves, or don’t. How we raise our children and how they learn to value and respect themselves, or don't. Who they are drawn into romantic partnerships with.  How we interact with our communities and the world.  How we negotiate stress and what we find soothing.

When we honor and understand the lens our child self grew into we are more equipped for lens updates. If instead we go through our adult lives without reference (or reverence) to our child selves we continue to miss opportunities to update lenses that no longer serve us well.

My husband has a way of reflecting me back to myself. He’s fine tuned the art of it. Sometimes he can catch me before I catch myself and give me an opportunity to reflect before I speak.

“If you say it, they will learn it”

He knows me well enough to help me recognize the stuff we don't want to pass down to our daughters. Those internal momologues on why I am not good enough. He's my reflection and I'm grateful for him. He helps me tune into myself and update my lens before I model it to our girls.

To grow is hard work, it’s one’s life long project. Maturing, deepening connections and (hopefully) passing down updated lenses to our future generations. It's doable, but can often be met with resistance.  I find that making these updates is easier when we have a reflection so we can better see ourselves.

Partnership makes life easier.

We don't have to do it all alone. This is the work of relationships.  We grow together.  We help and support one another.  We evolve together. It's a process of growth and deepening awareness and receptivity over the years. Enjoy the rewards of growth, it helps make future obstacles easier.  Growing together makes life easier.

Sometimes though our relationships shut down. You've probably experienced that. I believe it is a rite of passage of all relationships.  It's bound to happen and when it does it offers us an opportunity to tune back into one another, and ourselves. If only we can stay with the process.

The path of becoming who we want to be.

Understanding our legacies and sharing our awareness with another offers us access to intimacy and connection. As we deepen our awareness of our own legacies we cultivate compassion and develop our own unique compass for growth. Understanding what makes us who we are allows us to create more space for our own growth, maturation and evolution.

We often shut down before we have an opportunity to observe, understand and grow. We shut down because we don't feel safe. Because something from our past resonated with something that just happened in a way that didn't feel good. Once fear enters into our memories we freeze, or run or fight and our relationships stagnant. We stay stuck in old stories! To sustain openness and connection we must feel safe.

Our motivation is driven by either compassion or fear.

The choice between the compassion and fear; that can be hard to see. Especially when the compassion and fear we struggle with is internal. When our motivation is colored by those outdated lenses. Begin by being curious around your own defenses and wonder about why they are up. Take pause. Notice. I refer this to as cultivating curiosity.

This may be too much to do alone. That's OK.  Remember partnership makes life easier. You don't have to do this alone. I can help you create a safe space and teach you how you can adjust your lenses and rediscover the intimacy you really want.

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the connectivity paradox

We live in a world that is overly connected.  Connected to things that matter and things that don’t.  Things near and far.  The everyday stuff loses a sense of importance even though, in our little corners, it’s the everything.  It’s all that really matters. I am not suggesting that we close our eyes to what’s happening in the world around us, but rather, that we use our awareness of the world to help redirect our attention at home and within.

We are too connected to the things that don't matter and not connected enough to the things that do.  

That's incredibly over simplified but lets look a teensy bit deeper.  Our world is a big scary place. For as long as our human species can recount, it always has been.  There is a constant onslaught of things gone wrong, people gone mad, terrorists, war, sadness and fear.  And if we take it all in that's a lot to process!

Processing all that doesn't leave much emotional space at the end of the day.  It makes parenting harder.  It makes that thankless boring job harder.  It makes connecting to your partner harder.  It makes life harder.

What if —instead of tuning into world events and social media— we directed that same attention and emotional space towards ourselves and our dear ones?  Towards our nest.  Towards what makes us feel more connected rather than more isolated and scared.  What would happen then?

World events wouldn't change.  Not immediately anyway.  But perhaps we'd practice feeling more connected to ourselves, our families, our communities and perhaps more at ease in our lives.

Its about taking back the power of connection.  

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Being Seen

Everybody needs to been seen. To be witnessed. Everybody.  

And it's a healthy need.  It means we desire connection to others and the relationship, and energy shared between us matters.

Age doesn't matter  —babies, toddlers, school kids ("look ma, no hands!"), 'tweens, teens, adults, elders — we  all need someone to bear witness.  To our struggles, to our accomplishments, to the magic of our lives.  

If we are blessed, we find such witness in our most intimate relations -  our partner, parents, siblings. For the large majority of us, it takes attention and work towards cultivating relationships with others that provide the reflection we so crave.  

Ideally speaking, relationships provide us a mirror.  Through our interconnectedness with others we see ourselves reflected back.

And in all honesty, our reflection is the only way we can see ourselves as others see us.  By relating with others, we learn more about ourselves and through this knowledge, we grow.  

So when it comes to a desire to be seen what we’re really asking for is a reflection to grow from.  

I'm so aware though of how easy this sounds and how difficult it can be. The paradox!  Being seen, though we crave it, can sometimes also be so incredibly difficult to remain receptive to.  

What happens when we don’t like our reflection?

The people in our lives are our mirrors, but there’s no guarantee that they’re going to offer a pretty reflection. One of the scary things about being in relationship is that when we don’t like our own reflection, we often can feel judged by he other.  Sometimes we feel to scared to disappointed another that we retreat from the relationship.

We retreat in the form of lashing out, turning away, shutting down, and withholding ourselves from connecting deeper.  By doing we also, inadvertently, shut down our own ability to grow beyond where we are in the moment.   We retreat then, not only from the relationship, but also from ourselves.  

Releationships aren’t accidental.

We pick our partners, friends, therapists...based off of the reflections we receive and how they make us feel.  That feeling determines how well we fit together. We've all experienced good fits and bad fits.  Whether we are talking about a pair of jeans or a certain someone, we know when things feel just right.  And when things feel right, when the relationship fits, we are more inclined to remain receptive and open to our own growth.

I'm completely imperfect. I have flaws and plenty of room for growth. We all do.  That’s the beauty of our shared human experience. We never stop growing. My kids and husband will often desire more of my attention and connection. All of my relationships and yours will, for all the days of in our lives, provide us with a constant opportunity to see ourselves in reflection to others and adjust.

Everybody shares the same desire.  Everybody wants to grow in connection with others.  Our interpersonal dances all share a common theme; that play between enjoying our autonomy and thriving in connection.  We need both, but too much of either and we start to feel stuck.  

Allowing ourselves to be seen is often the magic that unsticks us.  

What is Mindfulness?

  I am flattered to be included among such a wonderful group of contributors in this 'What is Mindfulness?' post on the Simmons School of Social Work blog.  After reading through the contributions, this consistent message is clear: mindfulness is about practicing attentiveness/awareness to the present moment.

One typically conceives of achieving mindfulness by way of a regular mediation practice.  I wish I managed to make space for such in my life.  But the truth is, that I hate sitting on a cushion and meditating.  Still, I crave that connection to the present moment.  I so want to be less distracted and more here.

For me, connecting to the present moment means simplifying.  Stripping away layers of junk, put away the iphone, stop multitasking, stop making to do lists in my head, and just find my center.

Sometimes that means rolling around on the floor and laughing with my girls.  Sometimes it means making love with my husband.  Sometimes it means engaging my body; running, lifting weights, yoga, snowboarding.  And sometimes, it means anywhere from 10-seconds to 10-minutes of eyes closed in + out breathing spaced throughout the day.

And in reality, I never actually shut off my mind.  What I do however is I watch my thoughts. I notice when my thoughts try to run away with me and I practice pulling myself back.  I disconnect from most of my thoughts leaving behind only a few that really matter.  My mind becomes less cluttered.  I create space inside myself.  I build a connection to the nowness of being me.

I love learning about mindfulness.  If you do also, make sure to check out this Train Your Brain webcast; sit back and learn what neuroscience is discovering about mindfulness and how we can literally reshape our brains!

I'm going to go out a limb and suggest perhaps connection is what mindfulness aims to achieve.  Maybe my version of connecting with those I love and within myself, mind/body, is just as transformative.  It certainly feels so.

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Playing with connection

Many moons ago (almost two decades ago now), I worked as a wilderness field instructor with Project U.S.E. I was alone prepping for a course when I approached our base camp and found a small (but still rather large) bear playing on a large teeter-totter that had just been constructed for our adventure programs.  We'd use it to teach groups how to work together to navigate from one side to the other while trying not to let it touch the ground. The bear was having a joyous time exploring balance on it's own.  It needed no instruction, it just knew to play to explore its environment.

I recently shared this story with a client when I wanted to emphasize how natural play is.

Sadly, many of us don't know how, have forgotten how, or don't prioritize play.  It's rampant in our society.  My clients share with me that they are too busy to play, they lack time, energy or desire.  They share too that play feels hard.  That intrigues me.  Play is hard?

There was recently an article that went viral about why kids can't sit still in school, it  pointed to their lack of movement as the cause for the jump in ADHD diagnoses.

I'm thinking it's not just kids that are moving (and playing!) less these days.

No wonder we struggle to connect to ourselves.  No wonder intimacy and relationship satisfaction dwindles, especially after babies are born into families. No wonder we get frustrated with our children, lose our cool and then wonder why they don't listen to us.  We've forgotten to play!

I'm recalling an evening a few months back when my husband and I were struggling to get our daughters into their bath.  They were so busy in their own worlds that they couldn't join us in ours.  It was frustrating!

Our voices started to get louder until I surprised them all (and myself too) but exclaiming "OK, lets try something new.  Everyone crawl on all fours to the bath!" And then we all did, just like that, we bear crawled to the bath-tub.

We are actually built for play

According to Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, play is a state of mind.

We are built for play. It helps sculpt our brain and allows us opportunity to safely try out things without threatening our well-being.  Play is that space where we develop a personal understanding of how the world works. In play, we get to imagine new possibilities.  We get to explore.  We get to fail and succeed and figure out what works in our own way.  We get to master our environment.  We get to test boundaries and learn social cues.

Watch a pack of puppies play; they utilize play to establish pack roles.  Watch how they test limits and how they learn limits.  The testing and learning and part of play.

Play is the space we learn how to engage with others.  Play is also the space we learn to engage with ourselves.

The mindset of play makes it safe for us to explore and fail.  Play makes taking risks feel less threatening. Play is riddled with successes and failures.  It's suppose to be. Failing means learning.

Play is how we learn and grow; long into adulthood.  Mindset is key though.  Play is a doing activity, not a trying activity.  We don't try to play, we play.

The playful mindset invites connection

What I've seen over and over is that making small tweaks to how we initiate connections with ourselves and with others makes all the difference.  Playfulness invites connection, ease and balance.

When we play we don't overthink.  It's easier for us to get comfortable in otherwise uncomfortable dynamics.  And that's just what I see when I coach clients through a play session in my office.

My client Jane* struggles to communicate with her partner without everything feeling heavy, without her partner shutting her down when she is finally feeling ready to be vulnerable and share her feelings.

We've played with new ways for her to lighten the opening of the discussion.  Ways Jane could playfully engage him in asking questions to help her open up rather then dumping her insecurities and leaving him feeling flustered. And guess what?  It works!

Jane and her husband are having more fun and communicating better, all because of a shift in her mindset which created an openness in their discussions.  An openness that allowed him to react to her with ease and without defense... She shifted her mindset and created space to enjoy connecting with her partner.

Have you explored this shift of mindset in your own life? I'd love to hear what it opened up for you!

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{*name changed}

the curious thing about connecting

This morning, as I was in the midst of juggling breakfast, lunch making, school bag packing, getting myself and our 2 girls dressed and out the door (only an hour behind schedule) my youngest approached me and announced

"Mommy, we need you ALL day. How we can get you ALL day?!"

Pause.  Breathe.  Respond.  I offered up myself ALL weekend and then acknowledged that wasn't enough because, yes she wanted me today. I honored her desire and reflected that I missed our time together also.  We've been busy and I'll be working late again tonight, so she's on to something...she wants more of me.

It can be overwhelming.  Awesome, yes.  But, overwhelming also.

And yet, what strikes me is that this is really what we all want.  It's human nature to seek connection.  To truly feel seen and heard.  To feel understood and acknowledged. And so often it's the very root of what brings clients into my therapy office.  Teens, adults, parents, couples, families… There is a disconnect; the connection simply isn't being experienced.

We are so afraid of feeling disconnected that we try to protect ourselves by defending and guarding against further pain, hurt and disappointment.  In doing so, we also block ourselves, and those we so deeply desire to connect with, from connecting.

We pick up our [stupid] smartphones and connect with others instead of connecting with those we are with.  We work late.  Our kids (and often us adults too) act out and seemingly defy all attempts at reasoning.  We tantrum.  We withdraw.  We withhold connection.  Then we stew in anger over feeling disconnected.

So how do we break the cycle? How do we create pathways for connection?  It's an interesting question and one that I've been researching for years and working to integrate in both my personal life and professionally with my clients.

The shutting down, withdrawing, stonewalling, isolating, cold shoulder (whatever else you want to call it) process is the antithesis of connection.  Yet we all do it.  It guards against our vulnerabilities.  And it protects us.  But often these very defenses also guard us against connecting.  Against having effective, satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

There is a pathway towards reconnection.  I believe it's through honing an open, curious, playful mindset.   It's about being mindful of connecting.  It's about HOW we engage.  It's about pausing. And noticing when we are disengaging.  And then as my client's call it softening and finding our way back.

Usually we disengage around our fears, the curiosity though is that those same fears hold a deep magic of connection...if we can open to it.

But there's more.  The disconnect, that's necessary.  Without it we can't test the waters of the connection and come back together.  It's like a tide.  We need the eb and flow to be sure of it.

I'd love for you to share your musings over what obstructs your connections.

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embracing vulnerability

Just three days after our daughters returned to school I started showing signs of a bug shared amongst the kindergarten.  A week later, it descended and targeted my reactive airway. I haven't touched a barbell in over a week and the emotional implications are settling in. Getting everyone fed, dressed and out the door the morning feels like running a marathon! I miss feeling strong and capable. I recognize this is temporary and that my strength will return.  Still, this impasse has tuned me in.

As I struggle to breathe, many of my typical coping mechanisms are on hold...yet, what's left is being present. And yet, it's a daily challenge to get over myself enough to recognize where I am now, not where I want to be, or where I was a week ago, but right now, this place. And it's a gift really. As hard as it is to embrace in the moment. And I'm not sugar coating, it's incredibly difficult. It is a gift, too.

These, are the very 'tweaks I talk about in my work with clients. 'Tweaks that unstick us when we feel stuck. I have a choice. I can feel sorry for myself while I am recovering. Or, I can focus on and practice the art of coping with feeling vulnerable. Because that's what this really is all about. Its about the uncomfortable emotions that are uprooted by feeling less able, more dependant, weak and frail.

It is these uncomfortable, vulnerable, mortal moments that make up our lives. And the more we practice coping with these moments, and the uncertainty they evoke with us, the more fluid (and less sticky) our experience becomes.

These are human moments.  Humanity isn't a comfortable experience.  Our mortality is our only certainty. And yet, so often it's precisely these existential mortal anxieties that provoke discomfort and pain in individuals and relationships.

On a daily basis my client's share with me such discomforts and vulnerabilities and their relationship struggles that ripple out from these feelings.  We humans don't enjoy feeling vulnerable, heck what animal does?  Corner me and I'll defend myself.  That's the stuff that makes for relationship struggles.

So what happens then when we suddenly realize that the relationship we are defending is our relationship with ourselves?  With our wellness?  This is precisely where I find myself as I write this.  And also why I am calling this a gift.  It's a moment to reflect on what happens when we stop defending and start listening.

When I slow down and embrace the moment, what happens?

Everything —E VE R Y T H I N G— because everything comes back to how we relate to ourselves.  It's the one constant throughout our lives. Our relationship with our self.  So when we don't allow for the moment, when life is always about defending against the vulnerability, how does that affect us?  And how does it affect the relationships we hold dear?

Maybe, just maybe, my strength doesn't come from everything I am capable of doing but rather on how comfortable I am embracing my vulnerability.

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