It was literally the day after I co-facilitated our last Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp that my partner and I fell into yet another of our bumbly human relational ruptures. At the time, I really did *think* I was doing my work, using all my relational skills.
So what wasn’t working?
In retrospect, I was holding onto a fix-it agenda. I was not in my most relational self. I had to do a you-turn and reckon with me, work my side of the street to open myself to understand….and be humbled.
In Bootcamp we teach several relational skills, one of which we call direct requests. In this bumbly moment with James, I really believed I was practicing the skill and making a direct request. But in truth, I wasn’t. I wasn’t OK that he wasn’t ready to meet me where I wanted him to…on my timeline. Which means I wasn’t making a request at all, I was making a demand. And it turns out that timeline, when I really looked at it, was incredibly familiar. I grew up in a home where that timeline was held over me; it evoked so much activation within me during my formative years. And now I was replicating it with my partner. I was stuck in an agenda to get him to meet me where I was, now.
Ooooph. That took a bit to sit with.
Here’s what I had to reckon with: I was unconsciously foisting my old woundings off on my love. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t consciously realize I was doing so. My intent was to connect with him, yet it didn’t match the impact. And still, I had to reckon with and hold myself accountable when my old relational woundings oozed out onto him in ways that didn’t feel good. In order to do so, I had to observe me, and him, and us.
In order to observe us here and now, I needed to un-blend the historical from the present. Then and now. I also needed, even if just for a brief moment, connect that this wounding is an undigested decontextualized generational byproduct that’s been foisted onto me (as it likely was onto my ancestors ancestors ancestors). And though that’s not my fault, it is my responsibility to tend to now. It’s my responsibility to grow generational resilience. To get unstuck. And I can begin simply by observing me.
Once I was able to… we shifted. We were OK. James felt understood and he understood me. I understood me and I understood him. We both softened. We were reminded we can do hard things, together.
They say we teach best what we most need to learn.
I’m super grateful for the possibility that emerges through deepening an understanding of this relational language; it helps me deepen into the moment to moment day by day practice of bumbling and finding my way back.
I deeply desire to help more people learn this relational language. I believe these skills embody what these times need more of.
I hope reading my story helps you experience a piece of your story. That in reading about my you-turn you grow a deeper understanding of how to apply you-turns in your own relationships.
These ruptures and repairs feel awkward, messy, and uncomfortable because most of us don’t have much experience of them being normalized and valued relational skills. Yet, it turns out rupture & repair holds a ton of value. It’s the process thru which we humans grow intimate connection and deepen trust.
Here’s what I want you to take away, relationships grow deeper because of these rupture/repair moments, not in spite of them. In these moments we learn nuances about ourselves, one another, and our relationship.
Interested in learning more?
I invite you to join me and my Why Does My Partner cohosts, Jules and Vickey, for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp October 7-9, 2022.
I’d love to see you there,
