Part 6 | Play is Relationship Glue

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving relationship practice: Connectfulness.   

>> PART 5 | WHAT IS PLAY? <<

When you’re deeply engaged in doing something you love, you experience a sense of flow and ease. You get lost in the moment and time feels fluid. You aren’t sure if things are moving faster or slower; you just simply loose track of time all together.

When I am in that state of flow with another person I tend to find myself feeling really groovy about our connection. And when that someone is my husband, well, that takes me back to where it all began.

My husband and I met on a rock climbing day trip with mutual friends. We slowly developed our relationship through lots of playtime. Rock climbing and snowboarding trips were our jam and it was on these trips that our interest in one another was piqued.

Now that we’ve been together for more than a decade, we still need to play. In fact, we probably need it even more. Because without play, all we have left is the busy work, the messy moments, and the juggling act of our daily life. We need play as individuals and we need playtime together as a couple.

Play is Relationship Glue

When your relationship is out of balance, when you feel unsafe, or when you struggle to be vulnerable with your partner, you probably feel less playful.

And, when play is denied over the long term, your mood darkens. You get depressed, irritable, your attempts to connect with the people you love may become more of a struggle, or worse, you stop trying to connect all together.

Play helps you find your way to security. When you feel more secure in your relationships, you have the strength to evolve in all aspects of your life.

You could say there’s a fascinating “chicken or the egg” scenario at work here. When you feel safe, you’re more available to play. The more you play, the easier it is to deepen intimacy.

When did play come more easily to you?

Remember when you were dating? Remember how it felt to simply be together in the days before you became parents?

It's hard to play and get back to those 'when we first met' moments. In fact, 70% of parenting couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child. Why is that? Here’s my hypothesis:

As a society, we take parenting too seriously. (We also take “adulting” too seriously. And childhood too for that matter).

You want to be the best parent you can be. You are biologically driven to tune into your child. You’re conditioned to put your own needs, and the needs of your partner on the back burner. And in doing so, you lose track of what it means to play and be playful.

“The defining factor among couples who were able to find romance again, and even to find new fields of emotional intimacy previously unexplored, was that they were able to find ways to play together. Those who played together, stayed together. Those who didn’t either split or, worse yet, simply endured an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship.

What has become clear to me now is how play can become the cornerstone of all personal relationships, from everyday interactions to long-term love. In fact, I would claim that sustained emotional intimacy is impossible without play.”

Stuart Brown, MD, founder of the National Institute for Play

You evolve - or do not - through the success of your relationships

When relationships are playful, it feels safer to pause, lean in, and regroup when things feel rough.  In playful relationships, it feels a whole heck of a lot easier to lead with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

In the post, What is Play? we discussed how your relationship can be reshaped by simply playing with your attitude. Recent findings show that play actually creates new neural connections that are essential to the way information gets organized in your brain. During play, ideas and actions can be formed and tested safely because your survival is not at stake (I'm so grateful to Dr. Stuart Brown and his book, Play, for giving us these concepts).

It can be hard to imagine what that means. Do you remember the game RedRover, RedRover from grade school?

A brief review: it begins with two teams of equal size, each team holding hands, facing one another in two lines. One team starts by calling over a member of the other team “Red Rover, Red Rover, let __ come over!”

The team member who gets called out makes a rush for the other team’s line attempting to break through their linked hands. If he doesn’t break through, he joins their team, if he does, he selects one of their team member to join his team. Each team continues to call someone over until all the players are on the winning team.

This is play. Play is what happens when everyday rules are exchanged for a new set of rules that guide your interaction. But play is about more than switching up the rules. The profound shift takes place in each participant’s mindset.  

Play is what happens when you sit down with Jenga, a game of cards, Red Rover, a crossword puzzle, or whatever it is that connects you to your flow. Ultimately, however, play is about  how you approach situations, not the activity you’re engaged in.

Boost your pleasure, enjoyment & connection

Throughout your life, play helps to sculpt your brain and helps you enter into relationships more fully and freely. These playful relationships offer you a safe haven of security and can be a launching pad that enables you to go out and explore the world.

In play, it’s easier to stay connected and keep your attention on the people and things that matter most.

This makes sense when you think about your own children and what they need to learn and grow, right? You are wired in just the same way they are. Play, after all, has a purpose, it’s about connection and growth. Being willing to play is about being able to connect and fail together.

Sometimes it’s hard to play, it’s hard to be vulnerable. And that’s exactly when we need to really slow things down.

Slow down

Moments that challenge you to move out of your comfort zone also allow you to pause and learn something about how far you can go, what it means to regroup, and how you and the people you care about can carry on.

In play, it’s safe to fail and try again. This is the nature of play, experimentation and exploration. You don’t have to get it all right all the time, you just need to be willing to keep trying.

Play can become a safe space to pay attention to and test how safe you feel in your relationship. Where else do you have this kind of  access to see what does and doesn’t work and adapt accordingly?

While it can be challenging, healthy play stretches you to grow and mature. By its very nature this growth will be uncomfortable. That’s often where couples get caught up -  in the discomfort. To truly grow, and to grow together as a couple, you need to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. You need to challenge your partner and let them challenge you - playfully. .This the the stuff that makes for passion and desire. This is the stuff that pushes you outside your comfort zone, just so enough that you don’t stagnant. This is the powerful, beautiful part of pushing boundaries.

How to Rediscover Play

In small, slow doses, try playing with your awareness of how you tune into and sense connection between you and your partner (you can also try this with your kids and other loved ones, but I find that when partners deepen and develop these skills together it transforms everything in the family’s life).

Let’s start by playing with a simple meditation. Take a few breaths,in and out.

Focus on the direction of your breath. Pay attention to the sensation of your breath. Keep your awareness on your breathing. You can probably keep your attention on the direction of your breath for three breaths. But the longer you keep at it, somewhere between 3 breaths and 300, you’ll likely lose focus. Your mind will wander.

Every time your mind wanders, it’s a new opportunity for you to bring your awareness back to your breath. This is where the practice of meditation is honed; in the noticing of when your attention has strayed and in flexing the awareness muscle to come back. Every time you do this, your brain gets better at doing it again. You develop new pathways in your brain. That re-attention to your breath, if you do it gently, without criticism: that’s play.

Your relationship needs a similar sort of framework and mindset for play too. The willingness to notice and to bring your awareness and attention into coming back into balance and cultivating that safe, playful space. This is the Connectfulness Practice that is at the heart of what I offer my client and my community.

Over time, you’ll be able to observe how you stay connected and develop an awareness of where your disconnects occur. Eventually, when you notice these connections and disconnections, you’ll be able to practice pulling yourselves back into balance - and back into your relationship.

You can begin to develop your own Connectfulness Practice. Make it a game of relationship mindfulness in which you both explore your expectations and boundaries. Notice how you feel, deepen your awareness of your partner and practice the art of helping each other feel more secure and connected.

Have I inspired you to delve a teensy bit deeper into exploring your relational mindset and rediscovering play?

Sign up for the invite list for Respark, my upcoming audio course, to help couples rediscover your playful spark.  In this audio course you’ll have a chance to dive into these ideas in a dynamic, experiential way.

PART 5 | WHAT IS PLAY?

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving relationship practice: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 4 | DISCONNECTION HAPPENS, OR, YES, HAPPY COUPLES FIGHT TOO! <<

When it is incorporated into your daily rhythm, play can fundamentally shift everything about how you and the people you love relate to one another...I find that’s especially important for parenting couples to keep in mind.

So what gives? Why does the word and concept of play totally stress people out? Perhaps you are unsure about what play looks like.

“Play's a little like pornography in that you know it when you see it.” Jill Vialet, the CEO of Playworks

Well, duh!  But that doesn’t exactly help you start adding more play into the connections that fuel your daily life, does it?

So, what is play?

Play is a state of mind rather than an activity.

When at play you’re in a state of enjoyment. Your sense of  self-consciousness and sense of time are both suspended. Whatever you are engaged in, you want to do it again and again. Though you may feel  like it’s  purposeless activity, something important and healing is happening…

Play can be hard to define. It can include  so much. Humor, flirtation, games, roughhousing, storytelling, fantasizing, collecting, movement, exploring, competing, directing, creating.

Play looks like different things to different people, but here is what we know:

Play is a natural and biologically driven social exploration. It helps you learn about, and experience your world and your relationships by encouraging discovery.and feeding curiosity.

Play is inhibited and shuts down when you don’t feel safe (In my practice, when my clients can’t or aren’t playing in  their relationships I want to know more about what doesn’t feel safe. And we slowly begin our exploration there).

Play allows you to practice essential life and relational skills. It is full of triumphs and failures and everything in between.

Play is magical, integrative, and healing. It allows you to process, digest, and gain understanding about your life and your relationships. 

And perhaps most importantly, play happens in your mind. In fact, recent findings in neuroscience are showing that nothing lights up our brains like play does.

Why do we need to play?

We adult humans keep forgetting about the purpose of play, or we simply don’t value play. I get that, it’s so easy to do. When you are in the flow of play, it feels totally purposeless. And part of being a grown up is to have a clear sense of purpose, right?

We push children of all ages to play less & sit more. We are placing value on decoding and recall rather than comprehension and collaboration. Children are missing out on the experiential learning that they can only absorb through the process of play.

But then, it’s no wonder that we’ve taken the play out of children’s education - adults have eliminated play from their busy lives. they don’t know how to model or pass on something as purposeless as “just playing.”

We often think that as adults we shouldn't play, that we should stay serious and focused all of the time and that couldn't be farther from the truth. When couples are really stuck in the thick of stress, I suggest bringing in some kind of play. It can allow partners to connect in a light hearted way. It can also be a great way to reminisce and re-live the earlier days of the relationship when things were less stressful and more fun. Dr. Lily A. Zehner

We are designed to play throughout our whole lifetime

Play is very much a pre-programed social mammalian skill. Watch a pack of puppies, or a litter of kittens. How do they interact with one another and learn appropriate social behaviors?

They play!

They wrestle with one another, they push and pull on boundaries and they either get redirected by one another or mamma when they’ve gone too far or they tire out in a happy exhausted pile, content with one another.

And it’s not different for us humans. We learn how to connect in play.

Your sense of safety and trust in relationship are established through play signals such as eye-contact, facial expression, voice tone, posture, gesturing, timing and intensity of response.

In play, it's safe to fail, to fall get up and try again.  Play makes it easier to adapt and stay connected.  

If you want to keep growing, you must keep playing

Stuart Brown, MD author of Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul and the founder of the National Institute for Play says that when we stop playing, “our behaviour becomes fixed. We are not interested in new and different things. We find fewer opportunities to take pleasure in the world around us.”

If you want to do more than merely survive in your relationships, you need to play. Couples who thrive know how to play.

Play reminds us not to take life too seriously. Couples often get stuck on recycling the "bad stuff" in their relationships and stop making new, fun memories. An analogy I like to use is that people have two rooms where they keep their memories of their relationships. One room has all the "good" memories and the other room has all the "bad" ones. How we feel about our relationship is how much time we spend in each room. By playing together couples spend more time in the "good" room and also develop new, happy memories. Mark Vaughan MAMFT, AMFT

When you start to make play your mindset — the attitude you use to approach life situations — you get to practice how you perceive and respond to other's emotional states in a safe, no pressure way.

Play is the glue that connects people to one another. In my next post we’ll dive deeper into how you can rediscover play if you’ve lost it, stay tuned!

>> Part 6 | Play Is Relationship Glue <<

 

Part 4 | DISCONNECTION HAPPENS, OR, YES, HAPPY COUPLES FIGHT TOO!

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways To Reconnect With Yourself (And The People You Love) <<

You and your partner get caught  in a cycle of connection and disconnection. You know this cycle of “Withdrawal and Repair” all too well. (Though you may not call it that yet. Stay with me.)

It’s been three and half weeks since you had sex. Or three months. Or maybe you don't even remember the last time. How did that happen?  

You’re barely talking to your partner over dinner because you disagreed about...oh gosh, what was that fight about? Nevermind, the point is that you didn’t feel heard and understood. You didn't feel like you mattered.

You clashed over your parenting styles and now you are wondering how you could have ever thought raising a family together was a good idea in the first place.

We all like to think that we can avoid the mess of disconnection in relationships. But we can’t. The simple truth is that relationships are messy and disconnects happen.

You know this about relationships - after all, you watched your own parents (or caregivers) go through all of their own ups and downs.  They did their best, but perhaps they fell short on modeling healthy fights and disconnects for you. But if they couldn’t show you how to do the partnership dance in a healthy way, who was going to teach you this stuff?

Now that you’re a parent, you are more keenly aware of your struggle to ride these ups and downs, and you want to handle it all in a more graceful way. You know those little humans you are raising together are watching you and taking note...

All relationships go through cycles of connection and disconnection

Relationships don’t stagnate (that would be another kind of awful, but not the one we are talking about today). Relationships have an ebb and flow, moving through periods of connection and disconnection. In order to stay connected, you have to embrace these cycles.

As you and your partner seek a deeper, more sustainable connection, you must also allow often necessary and powerful times of disconnect - even when that’s horribly uncomfortable to do.

And you need to hold space for the discomfort in a mindful way. Otherwise, it will take hold of you and, with it, your relationship.

It can be painful to sustain the energy it takes to stay attuned and connected to your best friend and lover - particularly when your own tank is on empty.

Keep in mind, pain is information. When it hurts to stay attuned to your partner’s needs, it’s likely a sign that it’s ok to let go - at least for a little while.

You need to disconnect sometimes — make room for this healthy habit

Your need to connect co-exists with your need for separateness. These needs are inextricably linked.

To stay healthy, you need space to disconnect from all the distractions - even the people you love. You need this time to tune into you.

In the previous installment of this series, Intimacy begins with you, we talked about how sharing mutual growth offers tremendous opportunities for healing. We also explored how the greatest lessons are often concealed in a relationship’s pressure points.

(If you haven’t already read part 3, go do that now and then come back here, because it’s going to be nearly impossible to start to learn how to make these repairs and reconnect if you haven’t started with yourself.)

The not-so-secret secret about fighting with your sweetie

First, you have to be open to creating and holding space for that disconnects that inevitably going to happen. Then, you start to tune into when and how to initiate a reconnect. Relationship therapists call these reconnects “repairs.”

You and your loved one will start to see that there’s no conflict in noticing when either of you need space.

There's conflict when you don't notice.

Crazy thought, right?

Sometimes we need to fight.

Yes. Really. Sometimes conflict is exactly what you and your beloved need to refocus your attention on one another’s needs.

Say it out loud. Sometimes I'll say, "Howdy Stranger," when I realize my partner and I have been disconnected. This is a playful way of letting him know that I realize it and want it to be different.

I also let couples' know that fighting can be a really juicy way of reconnecting.

With disconnection we can get lost in the vacuum of our own thoughts and create resentments about our partners. Often, “turning toward” happens when that resentment has reached a limit and someone initiates a fight. If you see this as a positive development you can take it from there and start again from a place of more connection. Dr. Jessica Michaelson

If there is one thing you take away from reading this today, let this be it: happy couples fight. They just do a better job of it than unhappy couples. And a big part of that “better” lies in their repair skills.

You may need to fight, but only because you need the repairs that follow

When you both acknowledge and take responsibility for the disconnect you can also make a mindful effort to repair it.

You need to use your “relationship repair skills” when you’re not being mindful of taking your space for yourself. Or life gets in the way. Or the kids get sick. Or when one of you takes needed space and the other feels abandoned and resentful.

And, it’s in this repair process that we grow.

Repairs are messy and hard, but in the grand scheme of the relationship they teach us more about how we handle conflict and how we connect with each other - and they're necessary for moving forward! Mercedes Samudio, LCSW, Parent Coach

It’s in these moments when we reach out - beyond our autopilot reactions and responses - that real, relational healing happens.

It’s in the moments that come after the ick and the pain. And after the pause and regrouping.

This is the gold.

And even when you come to embrace disconnects as necessary and hone your repair skills, there will be moments when  disconnects just don’t feel good. This is  your humanness is shining through - and that’s going to happen, and that’s going to be ok.

So, what does repair look like?

Repair looks like taking responsibility - even if just for a small nugget of something that triggered your partner. In this repair conversation, you share what you need and feel.

If you can be honest and gentle in your communication with your partner, it can help get to the heart of the message that you want to communicate: you really miss your sweetie and you want to connect again.  

Being gentle is key, no one wants to be on the receiving end of a hurtful or nasty exchange. If talking about it causes you to be flooded with emotions, consider writing it down and share it with them. It also may be helpful to see a couples therapist.Dr. Lily Zehner MFT-C

A repair conversation isn’t about pointing your finger and telling your partner what you need them to do differently. It’s about taking personal responsibility for creating a safer relationship by keeping the focus on what you have influence over: you. And you also take responsibility for soothing yourself.

Self soothing is essential. It can also be simple. Consider taking a moment to pause. A deep inhale and cleansing exhale. Repeat if necessary. The benefits are profound.Dr. Lily Zehner MFT-C

When you shift your focus away from feeling disconnected and instead look at how you can reconnect and repair, it makes you feel safer - even in moments of disconnect. It makes being together, even in conflict, more tolerable.

Feeling safe with your partner gives you the freedom to say "I'm sorry, I messed up"' with the confidence that they will accept you and your apology. Dr. Agnes Wainman, Registered Psychologist

And while apologizing is a key repair tool, it’s not the only one.  The ability to step into your vulnerability is essential too.

From a place of vulnerability, for example, you’re able to share the awareness that the relationship is bigger than one particular conflict.

One of the most powerful moments in a relationship is when you can stop mid-argument, take a deep breath, (possibly eyes filled with tears) and just say 'What are we doing? We're on the same team. I love you. This hurts, this sucks and I don't want either of us to feel like this. Can we try this again?' Because it takes more love for your relationship (and less love for your ego) to do this. And that facilitates repairs tremendously. Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT, The Happy Couple Expert

The good news! Sixty-Nine Percent (69%) of the time, all our your relationship conflicts are going to be perpetually unresolvable.

They say that 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot, but this one is real - it comes out of decades of research by The Gottman Institute.

Seriously, when almost ¾ of all your your conflicts are unresolvable you need to shift the focus.

When you focus on disconnects, you live in a world of complaints, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Gottman’s research shows us that, over time, those habits kill relationships.

In order to really trust the stability of your relationship, you will need to be able to tolerate at least occasional disconnects from one another. It's in these disconnects that you’ll often find an opportunity to listen to yourself --tune in to your needs and feelings, soothe yourself-- and then come back together.

Relationship magic - and lasting repairs - happen when you embrace vulnerability

Relationships require constant work. Mindfulness. Attunement. The hardest part about living in relationship is managing the fear that comes with being intimately vulnerable with another human.  

Managing to stay in this space - in spite of the anxieties you and your partner both bring to your relationship - ultimately leads to compassionate love.

When we hide our hurt or sadness from our partner, we create a barrier between us. It takes a great deal of courage to reach out and share our deeper self with them, but when we do, we deepen the bond between us – and in seeking their comfort, invite them to do the same. Elly Taylor, Author of Becoming Us: 8 Steps to Grow a Family that Thrives

In order to really connect, you need to slow down

True connection depends on the quiet, intimate relationship magic that happens when nothing in particular is happening - except being together.

But in our “do it all/ there’s never enough” world it’s hard to slow down to make room for such moments. Making time to connect isn’t necessarily “productive” and it can be challenging.

There’s an app for everything, but there’s no tech solution that will strengthen intimate connections. The single best way to really connect is simple.

Just be together.

We're mammals, after all, and wired to connect, sync up with each other, and sleep in puppy piles.

When we're somatically aware, or tracking the subtle sensations of our bodies, we're more aware of the shifting tides of our emotions. Ours and our partners. We're more able to feel where our emotional blocks to connection are and to push past them in the most simple and heartfelt ways.

Firm supportive touch is one such way. Just laying a hand on your partner’s shoulder, or brushing their hair aside and creating a couple culture that allows for physical holding without the expectation of sexual contact (which is great when you're both there, but can feel like pressure and obligation when things are momentarily difficult).

Simple firm touch is something we're wired for as mammals. It both calms and heals our nervous systems and communicates connectivity without the need for words.

Simple, consistent, intentional touching keeps those important bonding hormones flowing and can form the backbone of moving forward together in a more and more connected manner. Victoria Wallace Schlicht, LMFT, SEP

Want to feel more connected to your partner? Develop a ritual of connection

As you start to tune in to your feelings and needs more often, you will also begin to notice when you need to consciously come together again.

It only takes a small gesture to start a ripple of connection. The problem most couples have: when one person attempts a reconnect, the partner may not notice.

It’s common for you or your partner to miss a “we need to connect” moment simply because you didn’t realize the other desired some extra support and attention. Now and then, it’s understandable, but when “little moments” repeatedly get missed, negative sentiment builds up.

You or your partner may wonder how the person you entrust with your deepest vulnerabilities can be so unavailable or unresponsive. Over time, one or both of you may begin to feel angry, panicked, and alone. This is not the space that healthy relationships live in.

The Gottmans talk a lot about this in their work. They calls these moments “bids for attention” and they reminds couples that not all bids are spoken or obvious. And missed bids are most often missed out of mindlessness (not malice).

A “ritual of connection” is just a shared moment

Remember those little moments we discussed in part 2? These are the things couples fight about most. That is to say, nothing in particular, just missed opportunities to connect are the heart of most arguments. That’s why making a mindful effort to connect is so powerful.

So, with that in mind, and in the spirit of connecting and being mindful of catching one another’s “bids,” I encourage you to pick something that feels good for both of you.

It could be something that you do when you’re walking by each other, like touching each other on the shoulder. It could be pinching each other on the behind. It could be ruffling each other’s hair. It could be what my husband and I like to do - a six-second kiss. It could be a deep hug until you relax or a simple firm touch.

Get creative. Yes, it may feel forced at first, that’s ok. The point is to make this a regular practice that can become a safe, playful and meaningful way to tune back into one another in the midst of your disconnects.

Release the need to stay in connection at every moment. Understand that you can manage the anxiety that arises when you fall out of connection. Practice the art of reestablishing your connection.

Trust that you can find your way back.

>> PART 5 | WHAT IS PLAY? <<

I'd love for you to share your ritual of connection (or what you might try to make into one) with me via email or post in the comments below.

PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself (and the People You Love)

Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways to Reconnect with Yourself (and the People You Love)

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 2: Life Is Made Of Little Moments <<

You want to show up for your partner? Reconnect with yourself first.

In the last two posts in this 8-part Reconnecting Parent Couples series we redefined intimacy and talked about making use of the little moments to connect. In this post, it’s time to look within.  

All of your relationships are truly a reflection of you and who you really are.  You learn about yourself when you interact with others and,in these exchanges, you’re presented with countless  opportunities to grow and evolve. Real learning never occurs in  in a vacuum. We are relational beings.

"We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people." Stan Tatkin, PsyD author of Wired for Love

In this post, I’m asking you to do something rather tricky.

First, I ask you to understand and agree that your perspective on relationships is primarily formed by the influence of other people. Then, I am going to ask you to take responsibility for transforming your relationship with your partner by shifting aspects of yourself.

Like I said - a little tricky, but I know you can do it and I promise it’s worth it!

Love is learned in childhood.

Within your romantic relationship  you and your partner  reenact that lessons of childhood.  Whether you like this idea or not, your choice of a mate has a lot to do with the  unconscious and unresolved experiences of your formative years.

In her book Falling in Love: why we choose the lovers we choose, Ayala Malach Pines describes how childhood experiences influence current relationships”  

• the ways our caregivers expressed, or didn’t express, love towards us

• the ways our caregivers expressed, or didn’t express love towards one another.

From the very start of life children absorb messages about how humans are “supposed” to interact. Before you had any concept of marriage or partnership you were learning how to form relationships based on the way grown ups behaved. You were learning to trust others (or not). You were learning how to respond to others and what to expect when others responded to you.

Your children, of course, have been going through the exact same process since the moment of birth as well.

Childhood experiences color everything about what you  understand about relationships.

Your childhood is the foundation of your inner world. These experiences are the basic  framework you use to relate to your partner.  It’s also precisely why your chosen partner is very likely your perfect partner to heal and grow with.

Even though your relationship has its hiccups and its clashes - everyone’s does, everyone’s -  you gravitated towards a mate who could provide you with constant opportunities to resolve that childhood stuff. 

And you offer the same to your partner too.

The potential for the healing effect of marriage and couplehood is mutual. And it is precisely because of all that you share - your bond with  one another,  your devotion to your children, and your shared legacy- that your are held in this traction to grow together.

But partnership doesn’t always feel healing. Often it hurts.

Your connection is strong, but it still strains sometimes.

That’s the thing though. That hurt. That pain. That’s where the lessons lie. If you and your partner can allow yourselves to lean into and share with one another those challenges can can enhance  the relationship and deepen  your intimacy.

I’m no exception. I struggle up against my own demons and my  does my husband does too. The more we each are able to sit with and examine the old hurts  the easier it is to recognize them when they show up in our lives together  We are able to bear witness, together, We can drop our defensiveness and quiet our reactions when we see them without defense when we see them manifest in our interactions.

It’s no secret that my husband and I fight from time to time. Sometimes we even get loud. We also comfort, hug, and hear one another.

Disconnects happen (and we’ll talk more about later in this series),.but they’re not the heart of the story. The heart of it all - and where you should place your focus - is how you make repairs and how you reconnect. Here’s the kicker: in order to fully connect with your partner, in order to really invest in the relationship in a sustainable way, you need to reformulate your expectations.

What if, instead of focusing on the isolation and abandonment you feel when you disagree you focused on looking ahead? What if you anticipated the the reconnect rather than dwelling on the disconnect?

When  you feel  a  distance between you, you can  learn to refocus your attention. Pause, look within. Take inventory on what you are feeling, what needs you have, and ask yourself “Have I expressed them?”

Maintaining & repairing connections to others begins with connecting to yourself.

You go through life in constant relationship - to other people the environment you are in, and to  yourself.

When you treat yourself poorly, you cannot soothe yourself. When you treat yourself with criticism, defensiveness and contempt, you tell yourself that’s all you deserve. How can you  believe that others want to treat you any differently than you treat yourself?  

In order to offer love and support to the people who matter most to you, you need to start with yourself. Love requires connection, so I called some of my brilliant colleagues to offer suggestion on how to reconnect with YOU.

7 Expert Tips on How to Reconnect with Yourself (and with the people you love)

Start by tuning in.

Listen.

“Listening to yourself is one of the most challenging and deeply rewarding endeavors you can embark upon. No one will ever hear you as deeply or understand you as richly as you can yourself.” Doree Lipson, LCSW-R

Practice mindfulness and choose to be aware of your own feelings.

“Being in a relationship with someone who is unaware of their feelings can be very challenging, if not infuriating.  It's the person who tells you they're not angry at you, but finds small ways to put you down in public or private. What's infuriating is if you call them on it, they often say it's you that's the issue. It's the adult version of the older sibling that takes the arm of the younger one and says, "Why are you slapping yourself?" over and over. Besides therapy--or in conjunction with it--having a mindfulness practice is the best way I know to connect with feelings we avoidby the myriad ways we have to distract ourselves. Building this practice as a couple is challenging, but extraordinarily worth it.”  Justin Lioi, LCSW

Connectfulness is a lifelong practice of relationship mindfulness. Really, that’s what we’re talking about here. Mindfulness is one of the most important things you can practice for yourself and yourself in relationship with others.

Take emotional responsibility.

Yes I know “take emotional responsibility” is a big, heavy phrase , but what we are talking about though is just that: BIG.

You, me, all of us must learn to pause more.Tune into yourself. Be attentive, and then from that space of awareness - not  from impulsivity - redirect your attention to your  mate (or children or anyone else who deserves your full attention).

“Emotional responsibility is about choices. It's when you choose to respond one way (that may provide the best possible outcome) rather than another way (that may simply be giving in to your natural impulse to defend, attack or push away).

Emotional Responsibility is when you choose to be happy over choosing to be right.” Robyn D'Angelo, LMFT

"Taking responsibility for yourself is an essential ingredient for having a connected relationship. Look toward yourself to be the catalyst and always be present by asking yourself what you can do to make your relationship more meaningful to both of you.” Stuart Fensterheim LCSW

Put on your oxygen mask.

You’ve heard about the whole self care thing a thousand times, but has it really sunk in yet?

“Self-care is fundamental to relationship-care! If an you are not doing well in taking care of yourself, how do you expect your relationship to thrive? If you love, honor, and treat yourself with kindness, your partner will recognize this. It's like when an airline attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. I tell my clients who struggle with self-care that it is not self-serving; it's self-preserving. Practicing good self-care will only enhance your relationship because you won't have to depend solely on your partner to fulfill your happiness and well-being.” Christie Sears Thompson, MA-MFT

Start with what feels good.

When you start consciously practicing self care in order to connect with yourself, just make sure it’s not another tedious “to do.”

“What things do you like to do that feels good and fills you up?  What self-care habits are good for you, like exercising (make it fun, not another thing you have to do), meditation (start with a few minutes especially if it is a new habit), or going out with friends, laughing, and having a good time.

If you are taking care of yourself you will be rested, can be more present, and be able to give to others.” Catherine O'Brien, MA, LMFT

Slow down.

Yes, slowing down may seem impossible (especially if you’ve got kids!), the good news is that it’s all about starting small.

"Creating (or recognizing) small moments throughout the day when you can check in with yourself, or notice something beautiful around you, or allow yourself to pause. We often think that reconnecting with ourselves needs to happen on a giant scale (yoga retreats, day-long spa appointments) but it can start right now, in the small moments - savoring a good cup of coffee (the smell, taste, watching the steam), taking 3 deep, intentional breaths, listening to a favorite song.

Reconnecting can start small, and still be incredibly meaningful." Maya Benattar, MA, MT-BC, LCAT

“Parents are pulled in so many different directions and you can lose sight of yourself. I challenge parents to do one thing for yourself daily that helps you slow down and reconnect to yourself -- read a chapter in a book, take a shower, go on a walk, watch a 30 minute show, or just sitting outside and taking in the day. Doing this recharges you and leaves you with more time for your kids and for your partner.”  Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

Let go of critique.

Remember: in order to receive love from others you need to love yourself first. Give yourself permission to silence the inner critic so you can hear all the nice things you and everyone else has to say about you.

“Being comfortable in your own skin and finding time, even if it's 5 minutes a day to practice mindfulness and body awareness are huge for creating intimacy in our partnerships. If a person is disconnected from their own body, or spends time criticizing it, they will not be able to connect with their mate. Meditation, yoga, breathing, or 5 minutes of stillness are great ways to reconnect with our bodies.”  Anna Osborn, LMFT

“The most important relationship you will ever be in, besides the one with your higher power, is the one with self. If you cannot show up in compassion, gentleness, humor and love to self, it will be challenging to do that with your significant other”. Mari A. Lee, LMFT, CSAT

Play with pleasure!

We’re talking about connecting to yourself and we’re talking about pleasure. I bet you can see where this is going...

“I ask women to masturbate. Many moms are so tired that their libidos are low, and this can help them explore what their bodies like and don't like without the added complexities of the relationship. I find this homework to be really illuminating! Often it is very hard for a mom to dedicate time to do this since it's not 'productive' or child oriented. She can discover important things, like if her libido is clinically depressed, and also new ways she likes to be touched. Outside of that, I encourage parents to play in their own lives, particularly doing things that aren't 'important' or on the to-do list. Intimacy requires a letting go of control, which is hard for parents, especially moms, and finding moments of undirected pleasure broadens the comfort zone for letting go and connecting.” Dr. Jessica Michaelson

“Sexually and sensually speaking, a great way to reconnect with yourself is through self pleasure (most commonly referred to as masturbation). It can be a safe space to explore and rediscover what you desire, like, and don't find arousing. You are always evolving which includes your sexuality. Additionally, going through a life changing transition, such as becoming parents, can impact your sex life. What once was a total turn-on may now be a major turn-off (i.e. nipple play now that you may be breastfeeding is just one of many examples). By allowing yourself the space and time to explore and practice, you can reconnect with your sexual and sensual self which not only benefits you, but also your sweetie!” Dr. Lily A. Zehner

This isn’t a simple “do these seven things and change your life instantly list.” This stuff is big. And here’s why:

Cultivating more intimacy in your life takes attention and more importantly, mindfulness. It has everything to do with where you choose to place your attention. It’s truly that simple. And also that complex because if you are anything like me then the trickiness lies in refocusing your priorities. When you really pay attention you might find that your conditioned ways of being don’t bring you the intimacy you crave.

It’s your awareness that will help you gain clarity into what’s missing. What I expect you will find is that one shift precedes the next. This is a path of lifelong learning that begins with tuning in, slowing down, taking responsibility, making space for more self care, silencing your inner critic, giving yourself permission to feel good & also to seek pleasure. What kind of relational changes will embodying that path invite into your life?

If I’ve got you wanting more, awesome! Now I challenge you to go a step further; pick out at least one thing you can do more of and do more of it. I would love to hear what shifts you experience, I invite you to email me or post in the comments below.

>> Part 4 | DISCONNECTION HAPPENS, OR, YES, HAPPY COUPLES FIGHT TOO! <<

Part 2: Life is Made of Little Moments

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 1: Redefining Intimacy After Children <<

Life swirls around us. The world becomes increasingly complex. And, in the midst of our busy days with their packed schedules and endless to-do lists, somehow the things that matter do get attended to: you eat, you sleep (some-nights better than others), you survive.

Surviving each day doesn’t mean you are thriving, however. And you don’t want to merely survive when it comes to what’s most important - your intimate relationships.  You want to thrive.

In part 1 of this 8-part series, Redefining Intimacy After Children, we looked at how you change as a couple when you become parents, and I made you a promise that we’d dive deeper into how you can connect more fully.

Here’s a hint - it’s in the little moments.

Thriving is about developing and tending closeness and togetherness. It’s about bettering your understanding of yourself, your partner and your child(ren) and loving more fully. It's these very connections that I want to help you (re)focus on - this is what I’m striving to focus on in my own life too.

"Sometimes just cuddling together and talking is just the little moment you need to reconnect.” Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

You can tune into yourself, your partner, and also to your children through a practice of mindfulness It’s like this for just about everybody: so much of what we do in relationships we do without thinking. We act on autopilot programing that became part of our basic wiring  in our own early childhoods. These primary experiences influence just about everything we do - especially how we handle intimacy in our adult relationships. Much of our programming might be positive, but the negative experiences can cause partners to feel lonely and disconnected in their marriage.

The first step, be mindful of the little moments.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes

“The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to it’s ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

What Gottman's four decades of researching couples has brought to the field of relationship therapy is that these mini-moments are EVERYTHING when it comes to how a couple experiences one another and their relationship.

"I love the little moments. Grand gestures are nice too, but there is something so sweet and lovely about a small gesture that packs a whole lotta love! We may miss the little moment(s) our sweetie is offering as a way to connect because perhaps we are too busy or too tired, or we may be overlooking them because we think the moments should look a certain way, but I assure you they are happening. Each bid for attention is an opportunity to turn towards them and further connect or turn away and disconnect.I encourage you to start looking for these moments and accept them. The next time your partner asks you how your day was, share it with them. The next time your partner is jazzed about a new movie, offer to go see it with them. Intimacy and connection happens in the small moments, be sure to open your eyes and your heart to them." Dr. Lily A. Zehner

When you and your partner do turn towards one another every day, you create opportunities to fill one another up. When all else feels off, when your sense of self falters, your partner can be the secure base you can return back to over and over again.  Ideally speaking, of course.

“Little moments are sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created”  Anna Osborn, LMFT

On the other hand, when you repeatedly miss these moments, your relationship feels shaky.  Missed moments of connection are akin to withdrawals, some larger and more taxing than others. So when you do connect in these special little moments, it's everything. Each of these moments - whether the connection is made and even when it’s missed - is an opportunity for you to see yourself as you really are and even heal your child-self. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to find connection in one another and grow. In other words, every little moment can become an opportunity to help both of you feel more secure. As you relate to one another, learning to tune into and navigate one another’s insecurities, you can bolster and make life together feel safer and more connected.

“If partners realize that every time they see their partner smile, laugh or just enjoy themselves as a direct result of something they did or said was directly related to their OWN happiness, I think efforts would be doubled.”  Robyn D’Angelo, MFT

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), explains how these patterns of disconnect can actually be a chance grow closer.

“Luckily, we all get stuck in the same places, so we can chart how lovers miss each other. We know that once you learn to SEE the moves, the dance, the pattern, and see how it plays out, you can chart a way out. The best way is to recognize the vulnerable emotions that shape each person’s steps.”

The things that matter most are the littlest moments our day that we forget to focus on.

“Physical touch is deeply connecting, in the most literal way. I encourage couples to touch each other, like a simple hand on a shoulder, pat on the tush in more playful moments, kiss on the cheek in passing. Adding touch to your interactions doesn't take much time and can elevate the mundane to something connecting and pleasurable. I'm also big on thank yous, you're welcomes, and I’m sorrys. We tend to grunt to each other, which is indicative of the depth of our closeness, but taking the effort to articulate appreciation and acknowledge the other person fully can go a long way.”Dr Jessica Michaelson

“The little moments add up to something big. Daily connection is making eye-contact, sharing an intimate smile, laughing together.“ Anita Mambo Cohn, LCSW, MA “

Almost every situation you and your partner find yourself in is an opportunity for connection. With or without children, chores around the house, dinner with the in-laws, or at school events—what the two of you know loud and clear is that both of you accept the responsibility of making every day count toward bringing you joy.” Stuart Fensterheim LCSW

I recently led a session on Connectfulness at the Mindful Mama Retreat in Pennsylvania where we talked  about the importance of rituals of connection.  One of the participants, Jennifer, wrote about her experience in her Mandalas for Mamas blog following the retreat, specifically of an exercise I sent participants home with, the six-second kiss. :

"And that’s exactly what I did when I got home that night – I chose my focus before I walked in the door (connection), I took a deep breath as I climbed over the obstacle course of toys, and I. kissed. my. husband. For six seconds. I gazed in his eyes. I saw his relief that I wasn’t starting off our hello with a complaint. It left me with a much better feeling than my usual approach."

Fantastic, isn't it?! You can read the whole post here- it is brilliant, Jennifer brought it home!

You need a six-second kiss

Let’s elaborate on this “exercise” Jennifer referenced: the six-second kiss. OK, so maybe it doesn't need too much elaboration, after all. It's, you guessed it, a kiss that lasts for a whole 6-seconds. Sounds simple enough, right? In theory yes, it is.  But really, the intimacy that comes with literally being up in one another's faces for a whole 6-seconds.  It can be intense.  And hot!

When I introduce idea of the 6-second kiss I introduce along with it another exercise, 60-seconds of eye contact. I find gazing at one another is more do-able for couples who have histories of trauma or abuse simply because you don’t have to touch. Some find it easier, others more intense.  All the couples I know that hop on board and practice it find themselves experiencing significant shifts.

Think of how you say good morning, good night, hello and goodbye to your life partner each day.  Are these moments soft or harsh? Do you welcome a few seconds of intimacy or are you setting yourselves up for a missed moment? What impact would being mindful of these moments have on yourself, your relationship, and your life? These moments in the midst of the daily routine are the easiest to make into mindful rituals. Soften into these moments and see how you’re able to reconnect with one another more easily and more often.

>> PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways To Reconnect With Yourself (And The People You Love) <<

Part 1: Redefining Intimacy after Children

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

The parent couples who find their way into my office and onto my therapy couch are looking to reconnect.

Adding children to their lives reshaped how they interact with one another. Their romance may have fizzled. They may feel disconnected from each other, from their kids, and from themselves.

When the parents are disconnected, the whole family feels the effect. Children certainly feel it and react to it. For many of my clients, this is the point they seek help. They want to keep growing as people, partners and parents and they want their family to grow together.

Intimacy didn’t used to look this way

Once upon a time, not long ago, these same parents were childless couples and life had a very different rhythm.

Now they have children, and they are dedicated to helping them grow up to become resilient adults. Resilience helps us overcome family conflict and weather disconnects. It helps people solve their own problems, take appropriate risks, look within and connect more deeply with others. It’s what helps us bounce back from setbacks and navigate life’s adventures.

To model the resilient behavior they want to see in their kids, they’ve got to be resilient individuals, a resilient couple, and resilient parents.

Intimacy within a parent couple is the root from which the family’s resilience grows. Intimacy begins with how we tend to ourselves, each other… and then ripples out towards our children and our greater community.

Intimacy is everything when it comes to what we teach our children about their world and relationships. Intimacy is what fosters, maintains, and balances connection. We share intimate connections in the form of friendship, humor, romance, appreciation, how we manage conflict, dream and create meaning together.

We all want to live a full life, a life full of relationships that fill you up, a connected life.

I’ve been reflecting back on my own pre-child years. Affectionately, my husband and I have dubbed them our Dual-Income-No-Kids years (“DINK” for short). We played hard, immersing ourselves in one another’s inner lives. And sex was spontaneous and abundant.

Then we became parents. Though we were sure that little would change, inevitably, it did. We had one, then two little beings with needs and desires of their own to be responsible for. Our family income didn’t extend as far as it once did. Neither did our time, nor our energy. With kid mess to clean up at the end of day, and the exhaustion that accompanies parents’ sleepless nights, our busy lives simply didn’t feel as sexy or connected as they once had.

The simple, dirty truth is that intimacy changes after children.

Becoming parents throws just about everyone for a loop!  Despite the rosy lenses you might manage to maintain pre-kids, the shifts that come with transitioning and growing in parenthood are substantial. You have to continuously relearn yourself, your partner, and your children.

In this process, so much unexpected stuff —old, childhood stuff— emerges in new ways. Even if you and your partner have been together for years, you have to figure out how to navigate old territory anew.

You hold and support one another through sleepless nights, tantrums, and illness. Together, you try to get through all the messy, hard-to-manage parts of life and parenting that no one mentions in those books on managing pregnancy and birthing and babyhood.

When a couple’s intimacy wavers, the family as a whole becomes less stable.

When parent couples come into my office I hear a lot about the deep disconnect that emerges when parent’s own childhood obstacles are exposed under the pressure of parenting. These old stresses and wounds grow and overwhelm the couple, and eventually, the family as a whole.

Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us: 8 Steps to Grow a Family that Thrives, helps us understand different types of  intimacy shared between a parent couple, she writes:

“Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs. Physical intimacy is spending quality time, giving and receiving affection and doing fun things together. Emotional intimacy grows as we share feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. Spiritual intimacy can evolve out of all these things: sharing the wonder of a waterfall, the peace of meditation, the reverence of prayer. Sexual intimacy sets our partnership apart from all other relationships we have. Intimacy gives us our mutual sense of belonging together.

Intimacy is an invitation, a revealing of yourself to another and having this glimpse acknowledged with  acceptance and appreciation. Intimacy involves trust and reciprocation. Shutting down or shutting off in any of these aspects will affect the others.”

Connection Springs From Sharing Your Stories

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, renowned marriage and relationship expert, John Gottman writes

“The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.”

Personally, I’m simultaneously growing as a person, partner, parent, and private practice therapist.  It’s an amazing experience to notice all these aspects of myself evolve in tandem and merge together in who I am.  The more I grow in one aspect, the more the ripple of my growth is experienced both by me and those around me in other aspects.

As I grow and evolve, I’m seeing and respecting more of the man my husband has grown to become. I’m watching him grow into himself and seeing daily leaps and shifts he continues to make, both big and small.

We’re constantly discovering more about one another. He’s still able to share new stories from his past with me.  Some of which make my heart ache for him.  Many make me proud of this man I married.

As I hear more of his stories, the disconnects we experience and the patterns we struggle with make more and more sense. And I know our relationship makes more sense to him as he tells these stories and listen to those I share with him. As our shared parenting journey inspires us to explore past experiences, we get a clearer vision of the people we want to be.

Together you’re on a path to becoming who you want to be.

Anna Osborn, LMFT a relationship therapist in Sacramento, says that we should be mindful about intimacy and define it more broadly.

“Before kids, spontaneity and creating intimacy are typically assumed, but after kids arrive, intimacy is something couples have to work harder at. There has to be more mindfulness about creating and maintaining intimacy. Intimacy also gets broadened beyond just sex and into a deeper emotional and physical connection.

Expanding on what intimacy means to a couple allows them to identify more opportunities for emotional and physical connection. If they only look at intimacy as sex, they lose all these great moments of tenderness and connection. Holding hands as they take the kids for a walk, sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created…these are all ways to reflect and create connection in the relationship.”

Intimacy comes in many shapes, sizes and forms when your intent broadens into regaining, deepening and maintaining connection.  Deep discussions, cuddling, holding hands, massage, eye gazing, playing together, being still together, being silly, folding laundry, cleaning up messes and even juggling life’s complexities and navigating the dark places can offer just as much connection as sex -  if not even more.

Sex alone is simply not be enough to maintain connection between a parent couple.

When connecting has become hard, it’s important to be mindful how reconnection happens.

“Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” -John Gottman

Research shows that couples who are mindful of making the effort to reconnect, bounce back from disconnects with more ease. In a word, they’re more resilient.

Dr. Jessica Michaelson shared with me how she helps couples begin to rediscover one another.

“I help parent couples reclaim intimacy through enjoyable activities. I use the concept of “Make the right thing the easy thing,” and believe that if something is pleasurable we are more likely to do it. I help couples find really small ways of enjoying each other, like sharing an inside joke, texting with silly emoji sentences, going to an arcade instead of dinner on date night.”

When you begin to redefine intimacy, you too may start seeing shifts almost immediately. Connecting doesn’t have to be complex!

You’ll develop resilience in your relationship when you stay open and flexible and actively seek ways to reconnect when you lose track of one another’s needs and expectations.

Again, it doesn’t have to be complex. In future posts we’ll dive deeper into how you can  connect more fully by being mindful of one another’s needs and inner world, sharing appreciation, playing & laughing, dreaming and finding shared meaning together.

So much shifts when couples redefine intimacy after children. Shifting your expectations about what intimacy looks like now can create big ripples in the satisfaction you experience in your relationship. I want to help you redefine intimacy now that you are parents.

Please join in the discussion below.  How have you redefined intimacy with your partner since becoming a parent?

>>  Part 2: Life Is Made Of Little Moments  <<

This post is also a part of the Raising Resilient Children blog-hop. Hop on over for more tips from mental health professionals.