communication & the art of getting to know your partner

So many couples don't know how to talk to one another!

It's my mission, to help couples respark relationships by talking about stuff, all the stuff, the good stuff, the bad stuff the difficult stuff. The person you are married to is not the same person you married nor will they be the same person when you are 80 years old, nor are you. You have to keep the conversation flowing, that's the only way to really know one another.

To do that, you have to know yourself, your partner has to know themselves and then you can both open the discussion and keep learning one another. The most important part, is that at the end of the day you both feel seen, heard & understood. This is the stuff that creates deeply connected couples.

I'd love to hear one thing you choose to do today to open up and get to know your partner.

And if you can use a helpful little nudge, I may have just the thing for you...

Reboot Your Relationship: a free 21-day series

Relationship Hack: Core Issues

I have a small, little relationship hack for you.  

John Gottman says that 69 percent of the time, all of the fights that you have in your relationships are going to be perpetually unresolvable.  

What if instead of looking at fight, we look at the core issue underneath the fight?  What if we started noticing the things that you're really thinking, things that are triggering you?

Things like "I feel like I don't matter" or "I don't feel like I could ever do good enough."

What if we get down to those issues and we help you to tune into them yourself? And we help you to help your partner tune into what's really coming up for you.  How would that change the quality of your fights?  How would that change the dynamics between the two of you and help you both feel more heard and understood?

I hope you enjoyed this relationship hack, I'm hoping to make Relationship Hack into a regular video series and bring more of these little bits to you on the regular.

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

I invite you to share your input with me, let me know what resonates and what you want more of. And if there are any questions you want me to cover in future videos...ask!

And as always, please share the love by sharing with someone that you love.

Rituals of Connection

Last week I posted a vlog on mind reading & relationships and I spoke about how common it is for couples to miss some important communication and connecting steps, simply out of mindlessness. In this week's vlog I'm taking you a little deeper and we're talking about HOW to start rediscovering and maintaining your connections with one another. Let's talk about how to find your rituals of connection.

Wait, what's that? Watch this brief video or read the transcript that follows and then join me in the discussion below.

I work with a lot of couples who feel like they miss each other, who feel like they aren’t able to tune into their partner or their partner is not able to tune into them.

Perhaps you can relate.

Something I tell my couples to do is to find something that they can make theirs, that becomes their regular ritual.

These are brief things.

These are things that take maybe one to six seconds in total. So, it’s really something you can do throughout the day.

I want you to pick something together that feels good for both of you.

You could both have something that’s a little different—that’s ok.

It could be something that you do when you’re walking by each other, like touching each other on the shoulder. It could be pinching each other on the behind. It could be ruffling each other’s hair. It could be what my husband and I like to do, which is a six-second kiss. It could be a lot of different things.

I want you to get really creative and come up with something that works for you.

I know at first it’s going to feel a little bit forced. And that’s ok.

The point here is that you’re really remembering to pause and to take notice of each other.

And to make that into something that you become really mindful of, so you’re becoming mindful of connecting with one another.

This is where it all begins.

Because when you can do this, then the next step is to start using it when you need something. The trick is going to be tuning into your own needs first. When you can do that, then you make a mindful effort to connect with your partner.

And then your partner makes the mindful effort to say, “Hey, what did you need?”

And that’s where you stop missing each other. 

Start with this little ritual. Just find something—anything, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be my thing. It can be your thing. But I want you to find something that allows you both to find each other.

So, whether it’s the six-second kiss, or it’s just caressing each other on the shoulder, or the behind, or the back, or ruffling each other’s hair—anything else you can think of—find your thing and start implementing it just when you’re passing by each other.

Just start making it your little ritual.

Come back and tell me how that goes for you.

Mind Reading & Relationships

Let's talk about mind reading.

No, it’s not something that I do. It’s not something that I think any of us do, but it’s something that we all wish for in our relationships.

I invite you to watch this video or read the transcript that follows.

If we look at parents’ relationships with their children, with little ones, there’s a really high degree of attunement where parents are supposed to know what their kids need.

I have a five year old. She often says to me, “Mommy, I was thinking that thing in my head and you just didn’t do it.” I think that’s a great example of how we expect others to kind of know what it is that we want. But we also have to learn—my daughter, again, is five so she’s still learning this stuff right now—how to communicate the things that we’re thinking.

Often times in relationships, we miss that step.

We think that our partner should know us so well. Right?

And if they really cared and if they were really paying attention, then that thing would just kind of happen. So, we miss that step. That’s one of the places where I’m always telling couples, telling people, telling partners to slow down.

John Gottman, one of the leading relationship experts—says that often couples get into trouble out of mindlessness, not malice.

I’d like to help you start thinking about this desire that your partner reads your mind as opportunity to tune in and to be more mindful of your relationship.

How can you play with this idea?

What your partner is really saying is, “I want to know that you’re thinking about me.” They want to feel like they matter to you, right? So, how do you play with this? How do you let your partner know that they matter?

You pay attention.

You tune in.

You notice where you feel like you’re missing something.

And you ask questions.

I'd love to hear, in the comments below, what thought this inspires in you and for your relationship.