Our society is constructed to benefit White people, whether they're conscious of it or not. The “norm” we’ve inherited centers an oppressive and privileging system when it comes to equity and power. And it plays out in relationships...
In this episode, Francesca Maximé joins us to explore how interracial partners can embody anti-racism in their relationship. We explore how blind spots and racial misattunements affect interracial relationships. And we discuss how to build more equitable partnerships.
White Partners: You may have to practice sitting with discomfort, be honest about what you don't know, educate yourself, and lean into curiously opening conversations with your partner about their experience and how it differs from yours.
(This episode was recorded at the end of 2020.)
SHOW NOTES:
A discussion about the differing experience of interracial couples in our society
The lived experience of one partner can differ from the other, and it can be hard to understand each other's realities
Our culture is centered on whiteness and white supremacy, and we live within systems of oppression that favors those that are non-melanated, often male, cisgender, heterosexual, christian, english speaking, and born in the USA.
We inherit a system that governs our society and that gets to decide who wins and who loses, who has access and who doesn't, etc. This system is constructed so that certain people are favored at the expense of others.
The structure of the system is not equity based.
It's hard to know what we don't know.
What has been normalized is actually an oppressive system.
Shame is a form of “me first” narcissism, and in our society people are taught that shame is a way of doing good and being helpful.
That is not the way that collectivist cultures think and operate.
Shame keeps the conversation centered on how badly I feel.
What we're missing is culture. We live in a society that is constructed to be racist.
How do we build a more equitable partnership? How do we live in a more full respect living world?
It's not always about how you and your partner see yourselves, but it's also about how the outside world sees you.
**Center of Positionality Chart** If you are not in the center, the world is looking at you in ways that you do not consent to.
A lot of white people do not understand their privilege in the world. It is a privilege not to have to notice. That's white supremacy.
If you make the space between you and your partner less toxic, it has a big impact on how you walk into the world.
The goal is for the couple to be healthy nurturers within themselves, to live in that reality of understanding each other's experience in the world.
Where to begin having conversations about race with your partner? “I've been ignorant and advantaged.” Start by admitting you don't know a lot. Sit with it.
White people need to do the work to unlearn their inherent racism (take classes, read books, etc).
Embodied racism or waking up to the world, being able to see your partner's experience, having compassion and empathy for their experience being honest about what you don't know, and leaning into learning, being curious, and asking your partner about their experience and how it differs from yours.
RESOURCES:
Francesca Maximé, LMSW is the host of the #ReRooted trauma, neuroscience and social justice podcast on the Be Here Now Network. Learn More about her offerings at maximeclarity.com.
Francesca’s Online Courses & Upcoming Presentations:
Embodied Anti-Racism: A Mindfulness Way for Therapists and Helping Professionals
6-Week Online Course Embodied Antiracism: Examining Whiteness for Equitable Activism
More Resources Mentioned:
Whiteawake.org "Before We Were White"
The Center for the Study of White American Culture
Building a Multiracial Community
Historical Foundations of Race
Social location: what people mean
PREVIOUS EPISODES:
Ep 21: Antiracist Responsibility
Ep 14: Peeling Back The Layers
Ep 10: Mending Racialized Trauma
If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining the next cohort of Rebecca’s Supporting Your Relational Self 6-week-online-course. We untangle core issues that affect us all in relationships, cultivate sustaining practices, and weave in relational skills to expand your Self care. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offerings
And check out our new WHY DOES MY PARTNER short form weekly podcast hosted by Rebecca Wong, Jules Shore and Vickey Easa.
This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.
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