Today’s guest, Dr. Rick Butts, cofounded the Healing Our Core Issues Institute (HOCII) with Jan Bergstrom, a past podcast guest.
Rick and I discuss how the nature of the child —to be imperfect and human— is linked to how we humans come to know ourselves as we mature. We explore the woundings, teachings and adaptations that shape us in our formative years and become how we present in the world. And we examine the tasks of recovering our sense of self which comes when we can see and accept ourselves as human in all areas of our life.
These teaching have opened many inroads to my own healing journey and I hope this episode helps you, wherever you are on your journey.
SHOW NOTES:
HOCII based on the Post Induction Therapy (PIT)/Developmental and Relational Trauma Therapy (DARTT) model developed by Pia Mellody.
Mindfulness- to be in the present moment, consciously aware experiencing reality with no judgement.
Being present as a witness for another person is healing.
Unconditional positive regard (Carl Rogers) - the ability to hold such space is sacred work.
Attachment- Understanding early connection, leading to a person's way of viewing the world.
Healing begins with understanding how early connection leads to forming one’s view of the world.
Reflecting on how things were growing up in your family
Somatic Experiencing- There can be a lot of non-verbal memories that are stored in the body.
Where do you notice that in your body?
Tuning in mindfully to figure out “where am I carrying this in my body and how am I holding it?”
As a society, we get messages that we’re supposed to be a certain way, and we have trained ourselves to unconsciously tune out from what we're feeling.
Birth Rights- what every little one deserves, but often not what they get.
The purpose of therapy is to get their story straight and to understand how this has influenced the way that they live their life.
Developmental trauma leading to relational trauma.
1. Self-Esteem/Loving The Self
Each child born into this world has inherent worth just because. It is in that system where they learn if that is true or not true.
It can be true with certain people and not certain people.
Most people do not have a sense of inherent worth.
No matter where you come from, no matter what the story is, you can begin to practice and have a sense of self.
Insight- the moment of knowing I am enough and I matter despite my imperfections.
2. Boundaries/Protect The Self
All children deserve to be protected because they are vulnerable.
Children, who have the least power in the family dynamic and in the world, need the most protection.
Helping people to understand the impact of how they were and were not protected, as an adult.
Whether boundary violations are intrusive or neglectful they occur when we don't see people as inherently worthy.
3. Reality/Knowing The Self
Every child’s birthright is to be imperfect.
Many of us did not have opportunities to make mistakes.
There is a pressure to present in the world a certain way.
Often we learn, as little people, that we have to contort ourselves to meet other people's expectations so that we can survive. In doing that repeatedly as we grow, we don't have an opportunity to learn who we are.
Questions from La Shanda Sugg: “Who taught me that? Where did I learn that? Who benefits from me believing that about myself?”
Trauma- "my experience of being wounded" to be wounded, in the moment, leaves a deep impact on people trying to figure out how to survive within their systems.
“Our parents teach us who we are, and how we are supposed to be treated in the world.” —Pia Melody
The beginning of the sense of self.
This is our historical self and we learn how to adapt. The trauma tells me how to present myself. The knowing of self is strongly linked to our wounding.
The impact that trauma has in terms of influencing how we know ourselves
I share an example in regards to my own trauma story within the educational system, growing up with learning differences, spending much time trying to meet the system and very little time learning how I learned best.
Messages kids get: "you don't think that, don't say that, don't feel that, don't do that"
What were the messages you took in growing up around your imperfections?
You carry these messages throughout your life and it often gets in the way of you getting to know who you are.
The traumatic experiences can also be things that we witnessed happen to people we care about as well
Releasing the trauma through the ability to sit and notice the sensations and to be present with them releases what we believe.
Bringing to consciousness the story of your sense of self.
Julianne Shore- much of healing comes from the ability to say "I value you enough that I'm going to sit here in discord with you" and that includes healing your relationship with the self.
"I value myself enough that I am willing to sit in this discord."
4. Dependency/Tending To Our Needs and Wants
Each child born into the world has a right to be taken care of.
Growing up, were my basic needs taken care of?
5. Moderation/Spontaneity & Joy
All children deserve to experience spontaneity and joy.
To be human is to be imperfect and embody your life with all your imperfections.
Past episodes referenced:
Journey to Discover the Self with Jan Bergstrom
Generational Healing with La Shanda Sugg
Inherited Family Trauma with Mark Wolynn
Welcoming Our Protective Systems with Julianne Taylor Shore
Resources:
healingourcoreissuesinstitute.com
If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining the next cohort of my Supporting Your Relational Self 6-week-online-course. This course is based on the teachings of Pia Mellody. We’ll cultivate lifelong practices to sustain you, untangle core issues that affect us all in relationships, and weave in relational skills to expand your Self care practices. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offerings
Also, my colleagues Jules Shore and Vickey Easa and I are currently working behind the scenes to produce and launch a new podcast. And we are also offering another authorized online presentation of Terry Real's RLT Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more about the podcast and the bootcamp at WhyDoesMyPartner.com
This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.
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