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Juliane Taylor Shore, LPC, LMFT, SEP (AKA Jules) joins Rebecca to discuss the impact of being quarantined at home, experiencing isolation, fear and grief. How these experiences work in tandem with our implicit memory systems, and the effect it all has on our relationships.
It's such a quick process, we can’t preempt it. Instead the focus shifts towards slowing down and coming into enough relationship with ourselves that our brains hook back on.
In order hold this level of fear and grief, we need to practice a lot of grace around how often we all will be flipping into protective systems — into neuroceptive danger — it’s constant right now.
EPISODE NOTES:
Jules breaks down Polyvagal Theory for us, a theory of the evolution of the autonomic nervous system and she’s shared a PDF so you can follow along.
Here’s what’s helpful to keep in mind, 4-times-a-second the lower part of your brain scans the input from your body, from your external senses, and the emotional knowing thats held in your gut brain and your heart brain. It’s scans asking “Am I OK?”
This is a quarter of a second process, so if you or your partner is in a warning system state, if you’ve entered into the protective systems of either agenda into judgement, you/they are physiologically incapable of connection and bonding in that moment.
When our systems enter into and stay in neuroceptive danger, connection and bonding is not available, seeking behaviors are not available, play is not available, rest is not available, digestion functions go off line. So much is not available when we are in distress.
We don’t process grief and fear alone particularly well, but if we slow down and pause to allow space for grief to act as a healing agent, we can join nervous systems with eye contact, touch, and with words through tone of voice.
We’re talking about coming into enough relationship with ourselves that our brains hook back on. We move into neuroceptive safety, and then we're available —for a second— to experience the grief together. Because it actually is overwhelming to a single nervous system. What we need is to have a moment where we are looking face to face and going...
"I’m really scared."
"Me too."
"I’m glad I’m not alone right now."
Quotes:
“Your implicit memory system is a major part of your survival, there is no moment, of any day, where that living memory is not feeding you about what this next moment means.”
“We’re all cued into our protective systems right now. There’s no way not to be cued. Do not assume that you’re not. You are. At least a little bit. And probably at different moments of the day more or less. It’s dangerous out there. We know that, and it’s not a specific thing so there’s no where for your defensive orienting response to point. It’s just going to point everywhere and fall back into your personal implicit memory around how you protected yourself when you were growing up.”
“When we lower defenses, and come into relationship with protective parts or aspects of ourselves, we’re doing the deep, deep, deep work of seeing, hearing, and understanding ourselves, and receiving being heard, seen and understood by the protective system. It completes the circle of communication.”
“One quarter of one second is all it takes to process negative information, but to take in positive information takes fifteen to twenty seconds.”
“I don’t get to be in good relationship with myself if I don’t welcome all my parts.”
“How can I give myself some grace for being under stress? And how can I take care of me and you anyway?”
“An offering is no offering at all unless the other person has the ability to say no without punishment or judgement. No punishment involved, no retaliation, or it wasn’t an offering in the first place.”
Resources:
Juliane Taylor Shore, LPC, LMFT, SEP (AKA Jules) is a therapist and trainer of therapists in Austin, Texas. She specializes in applying Interpersonal Neurobiology to the healing of trauma and the creation of relational health with the people who comes and see her. In addition to seeing weekly clients and teaching, Jules offers intensives for couples and for individuals who come from all over to do depth work in a brief format. To date, all of Jules’ trainings have been offered in person, but she’s planning to offer online trainings within the year. Find Jules online at IPNBaustin.com. If you want to join her mailing list email Jules@IPNBaustin.com with the subject line “mailing list” and she'll be happy to make sure you know about offerings once a quarter or so.
While these discussions will guide you into the Connectfulness Practice, the podcast is not meant to be a substitute for counseling from a licensed provider. Reach out. Initiate the ripple. Learn more about my connectfulness counseling practice, intensives, and our collective for therapists in private practice at connectfulness.com/work-with-me.
This episode is brought to you in partnership with:
Coronavirus Online Therapy is a collective made up of thousands of experienced, licensed private practice therapists who provide free/reduced cost short term online therapy to those serving on the front lines in all 50 US states. If you’re on the front lines, or a therapist who’d like to join the initiative, go to CoronavirusOnlineTherapy.com to learn more.
