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This episode highlights helpful ways to tend to our selves, reclaim power, and perhaps help us soothe our selves when we don’t have the power to change our situation. My guest, Dr. Jane Tornatore is a Therapist & Speaker Seattle, WA. A recovering perfectionist, she knows the pain of being bogged down by old beliefs and never quite measuring up to expectations. She supports people in converting outdated patterns and stress into more freedom, joy, and authenticity that come from being gentler with the self and living more from the heart.
We recorded this episode in February 2020. I’ve been holding onto it given all that’s been uprooted in the world. Contextually, the world was different when we recorded this episode and I wonder how a world filled with pandemic and uprising might have altered the core our discussion.
EPISODE NOTES:
Jane’s manifesto: “When people love themselves, they don't judge others. The more they love themselves, the better boundaries they have. They teach others love by example, not by telling. People who love themselves show others what is possible: kindness, love, acceptance, and forgiveness. I want that for you, me, and everyone we meet."
Loving and showing up for ourselves allows our humanness to come through.
Become aware of the power of unconscious language:
Jane suggests we stop using the words "should, must, have to, need, gotta” as they create resistance and no-choice.
Instead replace them with open ended phrases such as "it's a good idea, it would be helpful, an option is to, one thing I can do is"
When we are conscious, we have a choice. By owning our needs we can see where we lack nurturing.
Focus on the smaller circle. Ask if there is anything you can change. Having this personal agency and understanding of what you can and cannot change helps.
Jane says “we cannot be in the circle of power with our thoughts and behaviors and be the victim at the same time.”
Anger is empowering, especially as it connects us to our grief.
We naturally either repress, feed, or feel our emotions.
“When we can literally just sit with the feeling, neuro-chemically, research says anywhere from 30-seconds to two-minutes, our body is done with the process.”
This is the work of growing ourselves up.
When we focus on control that we don't have, we cross a boundary within ourselves and commit to staying resistant.
Our feelings are a part of us, and we all deserve to acknowledge them in a way that moves us forward rather than hold us stuck.
RESOURCES:
Find Jane online at EveryDayLove.me and at DoctorTornatore.com
Grab a copy of Jane’s book Everything is PERFECT, Just not ME!: A Roadmap to Self-Acceptance
I also have a few upcoming online offerings to share:
Supporting Your Relational Self is a 6-week online group starting later this month. Our focus is on your relationship to your Self, your other intimate relations, and we’ll explore core issues that affect us all in relationships and the skills that will expand your Self & relational care practices.
You also may recall that just before quarantine I gathered with Terry Real and fellow Certified Relational Life Therapists for an in depth training. I’m now an authorized Relational Bootcamp Facilitator and this fall I’ll begin offering 2-day weekend Relational Bootcamps. I am planning my first Bootcamp Workshop for the Fall of 2020 online via zoom (so you can join from anywhere you have internet). I’ll post more information on my offerings/events page and you're welcome to send me a note if you want me to reach out with details when available.
