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Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, or Becca, joins me to discuss how to avoid common pitfalls and achieve more secure relationships.
Becca shares from the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) perspective that, being human, we all need to feel secure. Our initial insecurities often develop into defensive, protective strategies born from the pain of trying to be seen and heard. The thing is, these strategies makes it difficult for people to come close to us, or for us to maintain connection. When we feel sensitive and insecure, we automatically put up our guard up, go behind a wall, or get critical of others and push them behind a wall, and when we do, we block ourselves from having what we need the most, secure connection. We block ourselves because our insecurities have hardwired into us ways of coping with that inadvertently increase our pain and loneliness. This is where the work of secure relationships comes back to developing self awareness. I hope this conversation helps to cultivate a safe sacred space for you to develop awareness and deepen your security in relationship.
. . . quotes & notes from this episode . . .
Pay attention to the things that open your heart and help you be more loving, more kind, more forgiving, more generous. It's much easier to address pain when there's a sense of a soft place to land.
When we’re in pain we start to defend ourselves either by going behind a wall (withdrawing) or turning up the heat (pursuit), we do this because we feel alone and thus we armor up.
Becca says our need for each other is the thread we need to pay attention to…to pay attention to how we defend or block each other in ways that increase pain and then isolation.
We need to cope with pain, we need to be able to survive through some situations, relationship dynamics, to keep our attachment figures those stronger, wiser others who are there to help take care of us to keep them close. And so we adapt to cope in ways that less offend our caretakers. And so our brain is actually made to speed up the way that we cope with pain and to attune more quickly to the threats so that we can walk more safely in the world. These coping defenses that were perfectly productive in their childhood, and now these adaptations are the very things that are getting in the way. Developing awareness of the ways we cope is key.
What is your/your sweetheart’s catastrophic fear? Hint: it always seems to go back to loneliness.
Lessons in how to turn on our mirror neurons in relationship to develop empathy and compassion from Neuroscientist Marco Iacoboni.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s Four Mantras of Love
. . . resources . . .
Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen is certified by the International Center for Excellence in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) as a Therapist, Supervisor of Therapists, and Trainer. She trains therapists and psychologists (nationally and internationally) to do effective couple therapy and work with especially difficult cases. Dr. Jorgensen works and co-presents with Dr. Sue Johnson, the Emotionally Focused Therapy originator and developer of the Hold Me Tight© Relationship Enhancement Program. She’s also the cocreator of the Building A Lasting Connection Premarital and Newlywed education program and Connection System. And regularly works with couples who want to heal affairs, sexual addiction, couple distress and childhood trauma. Learn more about her work at: drrebeccajorgensen.com and buildingalastingconnection.com. And find her on social media at: instagram.com/eftdoc and facebook.com/eftdoc.
While these discussions will guide you into the Connectfulness Practice, the podcast is not meant to be a substitute for counseling from a licensed provider. Reach out. Initiate the ripple. Learn more about my connectfulness counseling practice, intensives, and our collective for therapists in private practice at connectfulness.com/work-with-me.
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