Part 2: Life is Made of Little Moments

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

>> Part 1: Redefining Intimacy After Children <<

Life swirls around us. The world becomes increasingly complex. And, in the midst of our busy days with their packed schedules and endless to-do lists, somehow the things that matter do get attended to: you eat, you sleep (some-nights better than others), you survive.

Surviving each day doesn’t mean you are thriving, however. And you don’t want to merely survive when it comes to what’s most important - your intimate relationships.  You want to thrive.

In part 1 of this 8-part series, Redefining Intimacy After Children, we looked at how you change as a couple when you become parents, and I made you a promise that we’d dive deeper into how you can connect more fully.

Here’s a hint - it’s in the little moments.

Thriving is about developing and tending closeness and togetherness. It’s about bettering your understanding of yourself, your partner and your child(ren) and loving more fully. It's these very connections that I want to help you (re)focus on - this is what I’m striving to focus on in my own life too.

"Sometimes just cuddling together and talking is just the little moment you need to reconnect.” Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

You can tune into yourself, your partner, and also to your children through a practice of mindfulness It’s like this for just about everybody: so much of what we do in relationships we do without thinking. We act on autopilot programing that became part of our basic wiring  in our own early childhoods. These primary experiences influence just about everything we do - especially how we handle intimacy in our adult relationships. Much of our programming might be positive, but the negative experiences can cause partners to feel lonely and disconnected in their marriage.

The first step, be mindful of the little moments.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes

“The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level but to it’s ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

What Gottman's four decades of researching couples has brought to the field of relationship therapy is that these mini-moments are EVERYTHING when it comes to how a couple experiences one another and their relationship.

"I love the little moments. Grand gestures are nice too, but there is something so sweet and lovely about a small gesture that packs a whole lotta love! We may miss the little moment(s) our sweetie is offering as a way to connect because perhaps we are too busy or too tired, or we may be overlooking them because we think the moments should look a certain way, but I assure you they are happening. Each bid for attention is an opportunity to turn towards them and further connect or turn away and disconnect.I encourage you to start looking for these moments and accept them. The next time your partner asks you how your day was, share it with them. The next time your partner is jazzed about a new movie, offer to go see it with them. Intimacy and connection happens in the small moments, be sure to open your eyes and your heart to them." Dr. Lily A. Zehner

When you and your partner do turn towards one another every day, you create opportunities to fill one another up. When all else feels off, when your sense of self falters, your partner can be the secure base you can return back to over and over again.  Ideally speaking, of course.

“Little moments are sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created”  Anna Osborn, LMFT

On the other hand, when you repeatedly miss these moments, your relationship feels shaky.  Missed moments of connection are akin to withdrawals, some larger and more taxing than others. So when you do connect in these special little moments, it's everything. Each of these moments - whether the connection is made and even when it’s missed - is an opportunity for you to see yourself as you really are and even heal your child-self. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to find connection in one another and grow. In other words, every little moment can become an opportunity to help both of you feel more secure. As you relate to one another, learning to tune into and navigate one another’s insecurities, you can bolster and make life together feel safer and more connected.

“If partners realize that every time they see their partner smile, laugh or just enjoy themselves as a direct result of something they did or said was directly related to their OWN happiness, I think efforts would be doubled.”  Robyn D’Angelo, MFT

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), explains how these patterns of disconnect can actually be a chance grow closer.

“Luckily, we all get stuck in the same places, so we can chart how lovers miss each other. We know that once you learn to SEE the moves, the dance, the pattern, and see how it plays out, you can chart a way out. The best way is to recognize the vulnerable emotions that shape each person’s steps.”

The things that matter most are the littlest moments our day that we forget to focus on.

“Physical touch is deeply connecting, in the most literal way. I encourage couples to touch each other, like a simple hand on a shoulder, pat on the tush in more playful moments, kiss on the cheek in passing. Adding touch to your interactions doesn't take much time and can elevate the mundane to something connecting and pleasurable. I'm also big on thank yous, you're welcomes, and I’m sorrys. We tend to grunt to each other, which is indicative of the depth of our closeness, but taking the effort to articulate appreciation and acknowledge the other person fully can go a long way.”Dr Jessica Michaelson

“The little moments add up to something big. Daily connection is making eye-contact, sharing an intimate smile, laughing together.“ Anita Mambo Cohn, LCSW, MA “

Almost every situation you and your partner find yourself in is an opportunity for connection. With or without children, chores around the house, dinner with the in-laws, or at school events—what the two of you know loud and clear is that both of you accept the responsibility of making every day count toward bringing you joy.” Stuart Fensterheim LCSW

I recently led a session on Connectfulness at the Mindful Mama Retreat in Pennsylvania where we talked  about the importance of rituals of connection.  One of the participants, Jennifer, wrote about her experience in her Mandalas for Mamas blog following the retreat, specifically of an exercise I sent participants home with, the six-second kiss. :

"And that’s exactly what I did when I got home that night – I chose my focus before I walked in the door (connection), I took a deep breath as I climbed over the obstacle course of toys, and I. kissed. my. husband. For six seconds. I gazed in his eyes. I saw his relief that I wasn’t starting off our hello with a complaint. It left me with a much better feeling than my usual approach."

Fantastic, isn't it?! You can read the whole post here- it is brilliant, Jennifer brought it home!

You need a six-second kiss

Let’s elaborate on this “exercise” Jennifer referenced: the six-second kiss. OK, so maybe it doesn't need too much elaboration, after all. It's, you guessed it, a kiss that lasts for a whole 6-seconds. Sounds simple enough, right? In theory yes, it is.  But really, the intimacy that comes with literally being up in one another's faces for a whole 6-seconds.  It can be intense.  And hot!

When I introduce idea of the 6-second kiss I introduce along with it another exercise, 60-seconds of eye contact. I find gazing at one another is more do-able for couples who have histories of trauma or abuse simply because you don’t have to touch. Some find it easier, others more intense.  All the couples I know that hop on board and practice it find themselves experiencing significant shifts.

Think of how you say good morning, good night, hello and goodbye to your life partner each day.  Are these moments soft or harsh? Do you welcome a few seconds of intimacy or are you setting yourselves up for a missed moment? What impact would being mindful of these moments have on yourself, your relationship, and your life? These moments in the midst of the daily routine are the easiest to make into mindful rituals. Soften into these moments and see how you’re able to reconnect with one another more easily and more often.

>> PART 3 | Intimacy Begins With You: 7 Ways To Reconnect With Yourself (And The People You Love) <<

Part 1: Redefining Intimacy after Children

An 8-part blog series, helping parent couples reconnect.

A note on the Reconnecting Parent Couples Series: These eight posts present  perspectives and advice from respected colleagues and experts from across the world. I’ll also weave in my personal and professional discoveries and introduce you to aspects of my evolving theory: Connectfulness.   

The parent couples who find their way into my office and onto my therapy couch are looking to reconnect.

Adding children to their lives reshaped how they interact with one another. Their romance may have fizzled. They may feel disconnected from each other, from their kids, and from themselves.

When the parents are disconnected, the whole family feels the effect. Children certainly feel it and react to it. For many of my clients, this is the point they seek help. They want to keep growing as people, partners and parents and they want their family to grow together.

Intimacy didn’t used to look this way

Once upon a time, not long ago, these same parents were childless couples and life had a very different rhythm.

Now they have children, and they are dedicated to helping them grow up to become resilient adults. Resilience helps us overcome family conflict and weather disconnects. It helps people solve their own problems, take appropriate risks, look within and connect more deeply with others. It’s what helps us bounce back from setbacks and navigate life’s adventures.

To model the resilient behavior they want to see in their kids, they’ve got to be resilient individuals, a resilient couple, and resilient parents.

Intimacy within a parent couple is the root from which the family’s resilience grows. Intimacy begins with how we tend to ourselves, each other… and then ripples out towards our children and our greater community.

Intimacy is everything when it comes to what we teach our children about their world and relationships. Intimacy is what fosters, maintains, and balances connection. We share intimate connections in the form of friendship, humor, romance, appreciation, how we manage conflict, dream and create meaning together.

We all want to live a full life, a life full of relationships that fill you up, a connected life.

I’ve been reflecting back on my own pre-child years. Affectionately, my husband and I have dubbed them our Dual-Income-No-Kids years (“DINK” for short). We played hard, immersing ourselves in one another’s inner lives. And sex was spontaneous and abundant.

Then we became parents. Though we were sure that little would change, inevitably, it did. We had one, then two little beings with needs and desires of their own to be responsible for. Our family income didn’t extend as far as it once did. Neither did our time, nor our energy. With kid mess to clean up at the end of day, and the exhaustion that accompanies parents’ sleepless nights, our busy lives simply didn’t feel as sexy or connected as they once had.

The simple, dirty truth is that intimacy changes after children.

Becoming parents throws just about everyone for a loop!  Despite the rosy lenses you might manage to maintain pre-kids, the shifts that come with transitioning and growing in parenthood are substantial. You have to continuously relearn yourself, your partner, and your children.

In this process, so much unexpected stuff —old, childhood stuff— emerges in new ways. Even if you and your partner have been together for years, you have to figure out how to navigate old territory anew.

You hold and support one another through sleepless nights, tantrums, and illness. Together, you try to get through all the messy, hard-to-manage parts of life and parenting that no one mentions in those books on managing pregnancy and birthing and babyhood.

When a couple’s intimacy wavers, the family as a whole becomes less stable.

When parent couples come into my office I hear a lot about the deep disconnect that emerges when parent’s own childhood obstacles are exposed under the pressure of parenting. These old stresses and wounds grow and overwhelm the couple, and eventually, the family as a whole.

Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us: 8 Steps to Grow a Family that Thrives, helps us understand different types of  intimacy shared between a parent couple, she writes:

“Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs. Physical intimacy is spending quality time, giving and receiving affection and doing fun things together. Emotional intimacy grows as we share feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. Spiritual intimacy can evolve out of all these things: sharing the wonder of a waterfall, the peace of meditation, the reverence of prayer. Sexual intimacy sets our partnership apart from all other relationships we have. Intimacy gives us our mutual sense of belonging together.

Intimacy is an invitation, a revealing of yourself to another and having this glimpse acknowledged with  acceptance and appreciation. Intimacy involves trust and reciprocation. Shutting down or shutting off in any of these aspects will affect the others.”

Connection Springs From Sharing Your Stories

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, renowned marriage and relationship expert, John Gottman writes

“The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.”

Personally, I’m simultaneously growing as a person, partner, parent, and private practice therapist.  It’s an amazing experience to notice all these aspects of myself evolve in tandem and merge together in who I am.  The more I grow in one aspect, the more the ripple of my growth is experienced both by me and those around me in other aspects.

As I grow and evolve, I’m seeing and respecting more of the man my husband has grown to become. I’m watching him grow into himself and seeing daily leaps and shifts he continues to make, both big and small.

We’re constantly discovering more about one another. He’s still able to share new stories from his past with me.  Some of which make my heart ache for him.  Many make me proud of this man I married.

As I hear more of his stories, the disconnects we experience and the patterns we struggle with make more and more sense. And I know our relationship makes more sense to him as he tells these stories and listen to those I share with him. As our shared parenting journey inspires us to explore past experiences, we get a clearer vision of the people we want to be.

Together you’re on a path to becoming who you want to be.

Anna Osborn, LMFT a relationship therapist in Sacramento, says that we should be mindful about intimacy and define it more broadly.

“Before kids, spontaneity and creating intimacy are typically assumed, but after kids arrive, intimacy is something couples have to work harder at. There has to be more mindfulness about creating and maintaining intimacy. Intimacy also gets broadened beyond just sex and into a deeper emotional and physical connection.

Expanding on what intimacy means to a couple allows them to identify more opportunities for emotional and physical connection. If they only look at intimacy as sex, they lose all these great moments of tenderness and connection. Holding hands as they take the kids for a walk, sitting back and seeing your mate parent the kids, slowing down and having gratitude for what the two of you have created…these are all ways to reflect and create connection in the relationship.”

Intimacy comes in many shapes, sizes and forms when your intent broadens into regaining, deepening and maintaining connection.  Deep discussions, cuddling, holding hands, massage, eye gazing, playing together, being still together, being silly, folding laundry, cleaning up messes and even juggling life’s complexities and navigating the dark places can offer just as much connection as sex -  if not even more.

Sex alone is simply not be enough to maintain connection between a parent couple.

When connecting has become hard, it’s important to be mindful how reconnection happens.

“Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” -John Gottman

Research shows that couples who are mindful of making the effort to reconnect, bounce back from disconnects with more ease. In a word, they’re more resilient.

Dr. Jessica Michaelson shared with me how she helps couples begin to rediscover one another.

“I help parent couples reclaim intimacy through enjoyable activities. I use the concept of “Make the right thing the easy thing,” and believe that if something is pleasurable we are more likely to do it. I help couples find really small ways of enjoying each other, like sharing an inside joke, texting with silly emoji sentences, going to an arcade instead of dinner on date night.”

When you begin to redefine intimacy, you too may start seeing shifts almost immediately. Connecting doesn’t have to be complex!

You’ll develop resilience in your relationship when you stay open and flexible and actively seek ways to reconnect when you lose track of one another’s needs and expectations.

Again, it doesn’t have to be complex. In future posts we’ll dive deeper into how you can  connect more fully by being mindful of one another’s needs and inner world, sharing appreciation, playing & laughing, dreaming and finding shared meaning together.

So much shifts when couples redefine intimacy after children. Shifting your expectations about what intimacy looks like now can create big ripples in the satisfaction you experience in your relationship. I want to help you redefine intimacy now that you are parents.

Please join in the discussion below.  How have you redefined intimacy with your partner since becoming a parent?

>>  Part 2: Life Is Made Of Little Moments  <<

This post is also a part of the Raising Resilient Children blog-hop. Hop on over for more tips from mental health professionals.

talking to kids about sex

Last week I was interviewed for a super fun piece to be published in the May issue of the Poughkeepsie Journal's Living & Being Magazine about how and when to start talking to kids about sex.  This is one of my favorite subjects!

It's all about encouraging open discussion.

It's not about a single talk, or even twelve dozen. But it does begin early on.  As early as you start to teach your children what to call his nose and her eyes, you are also sending messages about what they should call their body parts and how comfortable to be with all these parts of themselves and in talking about them with you. Just like a belly button is a belly button and an ear is an ear. A penis is a penis and a vulva is a vulva.

Giving children language is the one of the earliest steps we take in promoting open communication and self acceptance. Both of which are integral in our development as healthy relational beings.

Humans are driven towards connection from birth. We thrive in connection. Our drives to attach to others and create love bonds are strong, biological and deeply rooted in our survival. Sexuality ensures our species survival, it is a biological drive that reinforces our bonds with others.

Children are sponges, they pick up and take in how you interact with others, especially your mate. As children grow into adults they mirror the relationships they absorbed early in life. This influences their identity. Just as it did for each of us.

What kind of relationships do you want for you children to grow into?

Those are the relationships you want to be living now —and if you aren't yet that's ok— take note and begin crafting a sustainable plan towards being who you want to become. This is where you have influence over who your children will become. Be it. The healthier you are, the healthier they are.

So, sex. Do you dream that when your children grow up they will be healthy adults in healthy sustainable relationships? Do you encourage your children to come to you with questions and curiosities as they arise or do you prefer they explore their curiosities with peers? It's human nature to be curious and to seek intimate connections, that is how we learn and grow. Creating an open dialogue encourages your children to keep you involved and helps yo stay attuned to their curiosity. Your parent/child relationship is the first intimate relationship they will experience and they will model all future relationships off the intimacy you share.

Often when parents feel ashamed, embarrassed or uniformed about sex (or any topic for that matter) they inadvertently close down dialogue before it begins. And that's unfortunate.

In my work with parents, couples and teens I have a unique window to witness how parents own discomfort around sex, sexuality, intimacy and relationships in general are mirrored in their children and with that window comes an opportunity to help re open the dialogue, at any age. It's no secret that I love my work.

Want to learn more? Join our FREE Informational Session for Parents.

Talking to your Kids about S.E.X.: tools to help parents create open dialogues with kids of all ages. 6:30PM Thursday, April 23rd at Bambini Pediatrics.

We have limited space. RSVP here.

Talking to Kids about Sex

Mindful Mama Retreat

I am incredibly excited to share my passion: maintaining intimacy and connectfulness with your partner as a part of an awe-inspiring line up in at the Mindful Mama Retreat.

If you know a mama who may like to join us {maybe you?}, please share this with her!

You manage it all: runny noses, packing lunches, loads of laundry, classes and playgroups, commuting, meetings, emails, phone calls, friends, family, sibling relations, tears, naptime, diaper changes, hugs and kisses, high fives, doctor’s appointments, healthy meals, birthday parties, bath time, repeatedly reading a favorite book, nighttime comforting.

After all you give to others, take some time to care for and replenish yourself!

Mindful Mama Retreat will provide you with space and support for mindful reflection, connected community and inspired growth. You will walk away refreshed and invigorated, fully equipped to live fully and thrive as a mother, a person, and a partner!

The retreat features 4 powerful and inspiring women who want to share tools and insight to help you live your best life as your happiest and most fulfilled self.

♥ Become a Grounded and Peaceful Mama through Yoga with Hunter Clarke-Fields ♥ Maintain intimacy and connectfulness with your partner with Rebecca Wong, LCSW ♥ Incorporate simple practical, doable, Mindful Self-Care practices into your life with Sheila Pai ♥ Explore your creativity through the beauty of art and writing with Lizzy Spohr Russinko

Date: May 16, 2015 Time: 8:30 registration, 9 am – 5 pm retreat Location: Open Connections, 1616 Delchester Road, Newtown Square PA 19073

Click here to register today for this Mindful Mama Retreat and secure your spot in this rejuvenating circle of support!

balance

You strive for more balance in life.

Your Life is busy. There's always a lengthy list of competing demands on time and energy. It can seem like a daily struggle to find and maintain balance. And just when you feel like you’ve found balance...it's gone. Fleeting. Elusive. That pesky little sucker.

I think of my own life. I'm balancing my marriage, our kids, my business & clients, my own self care, our house, laundry, meals, personal & professional growth, my list goes on. Often I catch myself wondering if I am good enough and I know I am not alone. I hear this inner chatter reflected back from countless clients, colleagues, family and friends.

There's an art in maintaining balance. The art lies in developing and maintaining awareness of when we are off balance; this awareness, of when we are out of balance, allows us to make adjustments to bring us back into balance.

Balance is not static.

I think for example of a practicing a handstand.  While a perfectly poised handstand seems so solid and strong, the gymnast is artfully tuning in to each little shift and responding accordingly, hollowing their core, driving through the shoulders, pointing the toes, playing with the back and forth fine tuning of maintaining their balance in their hands, ever so slightly back and forth between the palm and the fingers.

Balance begins within.

To bring about harmony, reconciliation, and healing within, we have to understand ourselves.  Looking and listening deeply, surveying our territory, is the beginning of love meditation.

--Thich Nhat Hanh, Teachings on Love

 A practice of self compassion, begins with deep listening and curiosity and doesn’t leave room for the chatter and fear that you aren't good enough. You hear that chatter but are not stuck in the muddy muck of your mind.  You notice your worries and fears but do not feel paralyzed by them.  Awareness becomes your greatest teacher.

Balance is the art of awareness and response.

When you look for others to value, affirm and admire you -- instead of looking within yourself, admiring yourself, finding your own value and affirmations -- balance often will continue to elude you. When you start looking for balance within yourself, you'll soon experience more of it outside yourself and within your relationships too!

I’d love to hear how this resonates for you and how you apply (or plan to) a practice of self compassion to bring you back into balance, join the discussion in the comments below!

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If you say it, they will learn it

Family history colors how we interact with the world. We take in the stories we read and hear through the lens of what we have been exposed to through our family, it’s what we know.  Similarly, our sense of security and trust --the ways in which we understand, feel and show our love-- are all made up of lenses we constituted as children. Our adult lenses are colored by the lenses our own parents modeled for us as children just as our children's lenses will be colored by what we model for them. These lenses affect everything.

The romantic partnerships we are drawn to.  How we value and respect ourselves, or don’t. How we raise our children and how they learn to value and respect themselves, or don't. Who they are drawn into romantic partnerships with.  How we interact with our communities and the world.  How we negotiate stress and what we find soothing.

When we honor and understand the lens our child self grew into we are more equipped for lens updates. If instead we go through our adult lives without reference (or reverence) to our child selves we continue to miss opportunities to update lenses that no longer serve us well.

My husband has a way of reflecting me back to myself. He’s fine tuned the art of it. Sometimes he can catch me before I catch myself and give me an opportunity to reflect before I speak.

“If you say it, they will learn it”

He knows me well enough to help me recognize the stuff we don't want to pass down to our daughters. Those internal momologues on why I am not good enough. He's my reflection and I'm grateful for him. He helps me tune into myself and update my lens before I model it to our girls.

To grow is hard work, it’s one’s life long project. Maturing, deepening connections and (hopefully) passing down updated lenses to our future generations. It's doable, but can often be met with resistance.  I find that making these updates is easier when we have a reflection so we can better see ourselves.

Partnership makes life easier.

We don't have to do it all alone. This is the work of relationships.  We grow together.  We help and support one another.  We evolve together. It's a process of growth and deepening awareness and receptivity over the years. Enjoy the rewards of growth, it helps make future obstacles easier.  Growing together makes life easier.

Sometimes though our relationships shut down. You've probably experienced that. I believe it is a rite of passage of all relationships.  It's bound to happen and when it does it offers us an opportunity to tune back into one another, and ourselves. If only we can stay with the process.

The path of becoming who we want to be.

Understanding our legacies and sharing our awareness with another offers us access to intimacy and connection. As we deepen our awareness of our own legacies we cultivate compassion and develop our own unique compass for growth. Understanding what makes us who we are allows us to create more space for our own growth, maturation and evolution.

We often shut down before we have an opportunity to observe, understand and grow. We shut down because we don't feel safe. Because something from our past resonated with something that just happened in a way that didn't feel good. Once fear enters into our memories we freeze, or run or fight and our relationships stagnant. We stay stuck in old stories! To sustain openness and connection we must feel safe.

Our motivation is driven by either compassion or fear.

The choice between the compassion and fear; that can be hard to see. Especially when the compassion and fear we struggle with is internal. When our motivation is colored by those outdated lenses. Begin by being curious around your own defenses and wonder about why they are up. Take pause. Notice. I refer this to as cultivating curiosity.

This may be too much to do alone. That's OK.  Remember partnership makes life easier. You don't have to do this alone. I can help you create a safe space and teach you how you can adjust your lenses and rediscover the intimacy you really want.

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the connectivity paradox

We live in a world that is overly connected.  Connected to things that matter and things that don’t.  Things near and far.  The everyday stuff loses a sense of importance even though, in our little corners, it’s the everything.  It’s all that really matters. I am not suggesting that we close our eyes to what’s happening in the world around us, but rather, that we use our awareness of the world to help redirect our attention at home and within.

We are too connected to the things that don't matter and not connected enough to the things that do.  

That's incredibly over simplified but lets look a teensy bit deeper.  Our world is a big scary place. For as long as our human species can recount, it always has been.  There is a constant onslaught of things gone wrong, people gone mad, terrorists, war, sadness and fear.  And if we take it all in that's a lot to process!

Processing all that doesn't leave much emotional space at the end of the day.  It makes parenting harder.  It makes that thankless boring job harder.  It makes connecting to your partner harder.  It makes life harder.

What if —instead of tuning into world events and social media— we directed that same attention and emotional space towards ourselves and our dear ones?  Towards our nest.  Towards what makes us feel more connected rather than more isolated and scared.  What would happen then?

World events wouldn't change.  Not immediately anyway.  But perhaps we'd practice feeling more connected to ourselves, our families, our communities and perhaps more at ease in our lives.

Its about taking back the power of connection.  

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Being Seen

Everybody needs to been seen. To be witnessed. Everybody.  

And it's a healthy need.  It means we desire connection to others and the relationship, and energy shared between us matters.

Age doesn't matter  —babies, toddlers, school kids ("look ma, no hands!"), 'tweens, teens, adults, elders — we  all need someone to bear witness.  To our struggles, to our accomplishments, to the magic of our lives.  

If we are blessed, we find such witness in our most intimate relations -  our partner, parents, siblings. For the large majority of us, it takes attention and work towards cultivating relationships with others that provide the reflection we so crave.  

Ideally speaking, relationships provide us a mirror.  Through our interconnectedness with others we see ourselves reflected back.

And in all honesty, our reflection is the only way we can see ourselves as others see us.  By relating with others, we learn more about ourselves and through this knowledge, we grow.  

So when it comes to a desire to be seen what we’re really asking for is a reflection to grow from.  

I'm so aware though of how easy this sounds and how difficult it can be. The paradox!  Being seen, though we crave it, can sometimes also be so incredibly difficult to remain receptive to.  

What happens when we don’t like our reflection?

The people in our lives are our mirrors, but there’s no guarantee that they’re going to offer a pretty reflection. One of the scary things about being in relationship is that when we don’t like our own reflection, we often can feel judged by he other.  Sometimes we feel to scared to disappointed another that we retreat from the relationship.

We retreat in the form of lashing out, turning away, shutting down, and withholding ourselves from connecting deeper.  By doing we also, inadvertently, shut down our own ability to grow beyond where we are in the moment.   We retreat then, not only from the relationship, but also from ourselves.  

Releationships aren’t accidental.

We pick our partners, friends, therapists...based off of the reflections we receive and how they make us feel.  That feeling determines how well we fit together. We've all experienced good fits and bad fits.  Whether we are talking about a pair of jeans or a certain someone, we know when things feel just right.  And when things feel right, when the relationship fits, we are more inclined to remain receptive and open to our own growth.

I'm completely imperfect. I have flaws and plenty of room for growth. We all do.  That’s the beauty of our shared human experience. We never stop growing. My kids and husband will often desire more of my attention and connection. All of my relationships and yours will, for all the days of in our lives, provide us with a constant opportunity to see ourselves in reflection to others and adjust.

Everybody shares the same desire.  Everybody wants to grow in connection with others.  Our interpersonal dances all share a common theme; that play between enjoying our autonomy and thriving in connection.  We need both, but too much of either and we start to feel stuck.  

Allowing ourselves to be seen is often the magic that unsticks us.  

What is Mindfulness?

  I am flattered to be included among such a wonderful group of contributors in this 'What is Mindfulness?' post on the Simmons School of Social Work blog.  After reading through the contributions, this consistent message is clear: mindfulness is about practicing attentiveness/awareness to the present moment.

One typically conceives of achieving mindfulness by way of a regular mediation practice.  I wish I managed to make space for such in my life.  But the truth is, that I hate sitting on a cushion and meditating.  Still, I crave that connection to the present moment.  I so want to be less distracted and more here.

For me, connecting to the present moment means simplifying.  Stripping away layers of junk, put away the iphone, stop multitasking, stop making to do lists in my head, and just find my center.

Sometimes that means rolling around on the floor and laughing with my girls.  Sometimes it means making love with my husband.  Sometimes it means engaging my body; running, lifting weights, yoga, snowboarding.  And sometimes, it means anywhere from 10-seconds to 10-minutes of eyes closed in + out breathing spaced throughout the day.

And in reality, I never actually shut off my mind.  What I do however is I watch my thoughts. I notice when my thoughts try to run away with me and I practice pulling myself back.  I disconnect from most of my thoughts leaving behind only a few that really matter.  My mind becomes less cluttered.  I create space inside myself.  I build a connection to the nowness of being me.

I love learning about mindfulness.  If you do also, make sure to check out this Train Your Brain webcast; sit back and learn what neuroscience is discovering about mindfulness and how we can literally reshape our brains!

I'm going to go out a limb and suggest perhaps connection is what mindfulness aims to achieve.  Maybe my version of connecting with those I love and within myself, mind/body, is just as transformative.  It certainly feels so.

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Playing with connection

Many moons ago (almost two decades ago now), I worked as a wilderness field instructor with Project U.S.E. I was alone prepping for a course when I approached our base camp and found a small (but still rather large) bear playing on a large teeter-totter that had just been constructed for our adventure programs.  We'd use it to teach groups how to work together to navigate from one side to the other while trying not to let it touch the ground. The bear was having a joyous time exploring balance on it's own.  It needed no instruction, it just knew to play to explore its environment.

I recently shared this story with a client when I wanted to emphasize how natural play is.

Sadly, many of us don't know how, have forgotten how, or don't prioritize play.  It's rampant in our society.  My clients share with me that they are too busy to play, they lack time, energy or desire.  They share too that play feels hard.  That intrigues me.  Play is hard?

There was recently an article that went viral about why kids can't sit still in school, it  pointed to their lack of movement as the cause for the jump in ADHD diagnoses.

I'm thinking it's not just kids that are moving (and playing!) less these days.

No wonder we struggle to connect to ourselves.  No wonder intimacy and relationship satisfaction dwindles, especially after babies are born into families. No wonder we get frustrated with our children, lose our cool and then wonder why they don't listen to us.  We've forgotten to play!

I'm recalling an evening a few months back when my husband and I were struggling to get our daughters into their bath.  They were so busy in their own worlds that they couldn't join us in ours.  It was frustrating!

Our voices started to get louder until I surprised them all (and myself too) but exclaiming "OK, lets try something new.  Everyone crawl on all fours to the bath!" And then we all did, just like that, we bear crawled to the bath-tub.

We are actually built for play

According to Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, play is a state of mind.

We are built for play. It helps sculpt our brain and allows us opportunity to safely try out things without threatening our well-being.  Play is that space where we develop a personal understanding of how the world works. In play, we get to imagine new possibilities.  We get to explore.  We get to fail and succeed and figure out what works in our own way.  We get to master our environment.  We get to test boundaries and learn social cues.

Watch a pack of puppies play; they utilize play to establish pack roles.  Watch how they test limits and how they learn limits.  The testing and learning and part of play.

Play is the space we learn how to engage with others.  Play is also the space we learn to engage with ourselves.

The mindset of play makes it safe for us to explore and fail.  Play makes taking risks feel less threatening. Play is riddled with successes and failures.  It's suppose to be. Failing means learning.

Play is how we learn and grow; long into adulthood.  Mindset is key though.  Play is a doing activity, not a trying activity.  We don't try to play, we play.

The playful mindset invites connection

What I've seen over and over is that making small tweaks to how we initiate connections with ourselves and with others makes all the difference.  Playfulness invites connection, ease and balance.

When we play we don't overthink.  It's easier for us to get comfortable in otherwise uncomfortable dynamics.  And that's just what I see when I coach clients through a play session in my office.

My client Jane* struggles to communicate with her partner without everything feeling heavy, without her partner shutting her down when she is finally feeling ready to be vulnerable and share her feelings.

We've played with new ways for her to lighten the opening of the discussion.  Ways Jane could playfully engage him in asking questions to help her open up rather then dumping her insecurities and leaving him feeling flustered. And guess what?  It works!

Jane and her husband are having more fun and communicating better, all because of a shift in her mindset which created an openness in their discussions.  An openness that allowed him to react to her with ease and without defense... She shifted her mindset and created space to enjoy connecting with her partner.

Have you explored this shift of mindset in your own life? I'd love to hear what it opened up for you!

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{*name changed}

the curious thing about connecting

This morning, as I was in the midst of juggling breakfast, lunch making, school bag packing, getting myself and our 2 girls dressed and out the door (only an hour behind schedule) my youngest approached me and announced

"Mommy, we need you ALL day. How we can get you ALL day?!"

Pause.  Breathe.  Respond.  I offered up myself ALL weekend and then acknowledged that wasn't enough because, yes she wanted me today. I honored her desire and reflected that I missed our time together also.  We've been busy and I'll be working late again tonight, so she's on to something...she wants more of me.

It can be overwhelming.  Awesome, yes.  But, overwhelming also.

And yet, what strikes me is that this is really what we all want.  It's human nature to seek connection.  To truly feel seen and heard.  To feel understood and acknowledged. And so often it's the very root of what brings clients into my therapy office.  Teens, adults, parents, couples, families… There is a disconnect; the connection simply isn't being experienced.

We are so afraid of feeling disconnected that we try to protect ourselves by defending and guarding against further pain, hurt and disappointment.  In doing so, we also block ourselves, and those we so deeply desire to connect with, from connecting.

We pick up our [stupid] smartphones and connect with others instead of connecting with those we are with.  We work late.  Our kids (and often us adults too) act out and seemingly defy all attempts at reasoning.  We tantrum.  We withdraw.  We withhold connection.  Then we stew in anger over feeling disconnected.

So how do we break the cycle? How do we create pathways for connection?  It's an interesting question and one that I've been researching for years and working to integrate in both my personal life and professionally with my clients.

The shutting down, withdrawing, stonewalling, isolating, cold shoulder (whatever else you want to call it) process is the antithesis of connection.  Yet we all do it.  It guards against our vulnerabilities.  And it protects us.  But often these very defenses also guard us against connecting.  Against having effective, satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

There is a pathway towards reconnection.  I believe it's through honing an open, curious, playful mindset.   It's about being mindful of connecting.  It's about HOW we engage.  It's about pausing. And noticing when we are disengaging.  And then as my client's call it softening and finding our way back.

Usually we disengage around our fears, the curiosity though is that those same fears hold a deep magic of connection...if we can open to it.

But there's more.  The disconnect, that's necessary.  Without it we can't test the waters of the connection and come back together.  It's like a tide.  We need the eb and flow to be sure of it.

I'd love for you to share your musings over what obstructs your connections.

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embracing vulnerability

Just three days after our daughters returned to school I started showing signs of a bug shared amongst the kindergarten.  A week later, it descended and targeted my reactive airway. I haven't touched a barbell in over a week and the emotional implications are settling in. Getting everyone fed, dressed and out the door the morning feels like running a marathon! I miss feeling strong and capable. I recognize this is temporary and that my strength will return.  Still, this impasse has tuned me in.

As I struggle to breathe, many of my typical coping mechanisms are on hold...yet, what's left is being present. And yet, it's a daily challenge to get over myself enough to recognize where I am now, not where I want to be, or where I was a week ago, but right now, this place. And it's a gift really. As hard as it is to embrace in the moment. And I'm not sugar coating, it's incredibly difficult. It is a gift, too.

These, are the very 'tweaks I talk about in my work with clients. 'Tweaks that unstick us when we feel stuck. I have a choice. I can feel sorry for myself while I am recovering. Or, I can focus on and practice the art of coping with feeling vulnerable. Because that's what this really is all about. Its about the uncomfortable emotions that are uprooted by feeling less able, more dependant, weak and frail.

It is these uncomfortable, vulnerable, mortal moments that make up our lives. And the more we practice coping with these moments, and the uncertainty they evoke with us, the more fluid (and less sticky) our experience becomes.

These are human moments.  Humanity isn't a comfortable experience.  Our mortality is our only certainty. And yet, so often it's precisely these existential mortal anxieties that provoke discomfort and pain in individuals and relationships.

On a daily basis my client's share with me such discomforts and vulnerabilities and their relationship struggles that ripple out from these feelings.  We humans don't enjoy feeling vulnerable, heck what animal does?  Corner me and I'll defend myself.  That's the stuff that makes for relationship struggles.

So what happens then when we suddenly realize that the relationship we are defending is our relationship with ourselves?  With our wellness?  This is precisely where I find myself as I write this.  And also why I am calling this a gift.  It's a moment to reflect on what happens when we stop defending and start listening.

When I slow down and embrace the moment, what happens?

Everything —E VE R Y T H I N G— because everything comes back to how we relate to ourselves.  It's the one constant throughout our lives. Our relationship with our self.  So when we don't allow for the moment, when life is always about defending against the vulnerability, how does that affect us?  And how does it affect the relationships we hold dear?

Maybe, just maybe, my strength doesn't come from everything I am capable of doing but rather on how comfortable I am embracing my vulnerability.

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Parenting with Connection

published in April 2014 Organic Hudson Valley Magazine

Parenting with connection.  It’s multi-faceted and layered.  It’s about the connections we have with and within ourselves --with our elders, our spouses, friends and community and, of course, the connections we foster with our children.  Connection is at the root of all human interactions.  In the best of scenarios, our connections have the power to make us feel strong and grounded.  On the contrary, when opportunities to connect are repeatedly missed it can leave us feeling lost and empty; sometimes even angry.

By the time a child is a year old they have developed a strong tie to their primary caregiver. This connection develops out of instinctual behavior, an innate need and desire for children to be in close proximity to their primary caregiver(s).  What inspires and interests me --as both a psychotherapist and parent-- is that these early ties are closely linked with other social behaviors, such as mating and parenting.

Chances are, if a child doesn’t experience satisfying connections with their parents they may also struggle in maintaining connections with others.  The relationships we have as children with our own parents shape how we relate both to our partner and to how we parent.  Parents’ attitudes towards themselves and their children are an opportunity for learned styles of connection.  Interestingly, satisfying connections with others blossom when you cultivate an awareness of your values, replenish your reserves and hone your priorities.

Make time for yourself.  Parents often come into my psychotherapy practice when things aren’t going well at home.  The needs of the family are out of balance.  Many parents, with the best of intentions, devote all of themselves to their child(ren).  The problem is that this leaves you with empty reserves and depletes your resources to care for yourself or others.  Think of what they tell you on the airplane: ­­if there’s a loss of cabin pressure, air masks will deploy; put yours on before assisting someone else.  You must care for your own physical, emotional and spiritual needs if you expect to have resources available to care for someone else.

Make time for your relationship.  It’s the little things that matter most.  Staying available to your partner with both body language and responsiveness --that’s the stuff kids watch, absorb and model themselves after.  When you repeatedly miss opportunities to connect with your partner your children see parents who are at odds with one another instead of on the same page.  Parents connect with their children in a much more effective way when they parent as a team.  When you make an effort to connect to your partner on a daily basis you are modeling what healthy relationships look like.  It helps your kids create a healthy framework for the relationships they will have later in life.

Slow down, re-prioritize and listen.  The more we create and include our children in daily routines, the more we seize the opportunity to connect.  When we connect, we influence and we create opportunities to pass down our values.

A personal example: recently, our young daughters have become finicky eaters.  They want this, they don’t want that, and then they change their minds mid-meal.  A result of their pickiness is often wasted food.  While we don’t want them to feel they can’t change their minds, we also need to respect our resources.  My husband and I share these observations with them.  Then we each reopen the discussion while planning food shopping lists as a family. We discuss this need to respect our resources again while we grocery shop together.  Of course, they still change their minds, but less frequently and with awareness.

Understand that you are cultivating a relationship that --for the rest of their lives-- will enable your children to feel confident as they explore the world.  That is the parenting connection.

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Love & Connection

originally published in

Healthy You Magazine

 Jan/Feb 2014

I retreated to my office for the morning, but a snowstorm pulled me home.  I came home and rolled around on the floor with my young daughters while my husband plowed the driveway.  I later hid away to write until dinner.  After our meal we all took a silent stroll through our snow covered property searching for owls in the night sky.  Once the kids were asleep, it wasn’t hard to procrastinate writing once again, by choosing to prioritize making love and deeply connecting with my husband.  It’s these connections that fuel my story for you.

Connection is at the root of love; connection to others, connection to ourselves, connection to our environment.   We all have choices:  daily choices, moment by moment, to connect or disconnect.  In today’s day and age, our interconnectedness is both expansive and isolating.  Personally, I’ve been sitting with my discomfort around writing.  It’s not that I don’t have enough to write about; perhaps I have too much.  My discomfort has been more about balancing my desires to connect versus isolating myself in writing.

Regardless of our relationship status, we all want to feel loved.  It is this very quest, to connect to others to feel loved, that abounds and unites us all.  We all desire to find comfort and connection in another.  John Bowlby, known in the modern psychoanalytic world as the father of attachment theory, describes mental health as the capacity to make intimate emotional bonds with others.   And yet, when that opportunity for connection is present, we so often allow it to pass us by.

I’ve been aware of my own desires.  I’ve been aware of the needs and demands of those in my life and of my own deadlines.  I’ve been playing with balancing all that fills my life.  Through being aware of the balance, through prioritizing my life and my connections; I’m making it work.  However, finding this balance doesn’t come naturally.  I found balance because I didn’t get in the way of opportunities to connect. I carved out time for writing and I made an effort to tune out distractions.  Staying aware of that process -- allowing space to bounce around and to come back – is the start of connection.  Discomfort is not bad a thing, it’s information.  It’s the first step in tuning into to ourselves.

John Gottman is one of the most influential therapists, researchers and authors of the past 4-decades.  His work on marriage and parenting highlights the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy connections.  In much of his work, he talks about a central theme of turning towards or turning away from bids for attention.   These bids for attention are opportunities to create, increase, maintain and re-establish connection.

When a bid for attention is well received, it can be as simple as returning a smile or answering a request such as “can you help me do the dishes”  by grabbing a dish towel.  In this example, it’s easy to see how a bid for attention is essentially an invitation to engage in a connection. Often though, even when we desire connection, we turn away.  We turn away because connecting can make us feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, or challenged.  But when we turn away, we also inadvertently tell others to stop making bids.  We communicate disinterest and often, we devalue the connection we really desire. It happens all the time, when we respond with comments that are disinterested, defensive and disengaged (such as: “mmhhmm [attention on smartphone]”, “you can do that yourself”, “why do you always ask for help?”, “not now, I’m so tired”, or “I have more important things to do”.) As bids for attention increase in value and meaning, so does the potential for hurt and fracture.  When couples repeatedly turn away from bids they stop making an effort to connect, feel lonely and then they come into counseling wondering how they got there.   The question I find myself often pointing clients to is:

How do you relate to your desire to feel loved?

This question permits curiosity. Do we allow opportunity for connection? Do we cultivate and maintain the connections we have? Many clients struggle with finding their answers. The thing is that the struggle is natural.  The key is understanding that it’s not the struggle that causes our suffering, it is how we relate to our struggle that does!

 By far, the reason most clients find their way into psychotherapy is that they are seeking connection or they aren’t experiencing connections that feel good.  They come to me struggling.  This is the human condition: to struggle.  Many of us bounce up against our past over and over again.   In our attempts to move forward, we often choose to either dismiss or ruminate in our feelings.  Neither works, at least not well or for very long.  When we dwell on a bad feeling, thought or event, we continue to feel the same bad feeling.

It’s not all that uncommon for us to dismiss feelings as unimportant, says Gottman.  In 1985 his research assessed parents’ attitudes towards their own emotions and their children’s. What it uncovered was two groups of parents.  One group of parents was emotionally dismissive (the larger group, unfortunately) while the other group were emotional coaches.  Gottman showed that parents’ emotional attitudes opened or closed the opportunity for learned styles of connection. He showed that if children are not connecting to their parents around emotions, then the idea that personal feelings aren’t of value get’s reinforced.  It becomes the way we relate to ourselves.  It becomes the way we relate to our struggles.

I am not suggesting that we can only know connection or that we can only experience love within the construct of a relationship.  We can, for example, imagine a happy hermit, perhaps a mountain top monk who knows how to live independently and be purely happy.  But in reality, the happy hermit is a rare breed.  For most of us, less enlightened then that monk, we fair better in connection to others even with the struggles and trials and heartbreaks of marriage.  Even with that stress, connection to others is healthier for us!  In his book Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn writes “The fact that studies could show a relationship between the sheer number of social connections and the death rate in a large population implies that our connections play a very powerful role in our lives.  It suggests that even negative or stressful connections with people may be better for our health than isolation, unless we know how to be happy alone, which few of us do.”

We connect through communicating with our senses, all our senses: our eyes, ears, minds, noses, bodies and tongues. We communicate and connect through eating together, through looking at one another, through touch and smell.  We communicate through reading, writing, speaking and listening. But most of us aren’t taught or trained in the skills of listening.  To truly interact and influence another, you first need to understand, to listen.  It’s a flow, it’s experiential, that feeling of really being heard.  That’s the turning toward a bid for connection.

Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, whose teachings are among the most oft referenced in my work, says that we should begin practicing loving meditations on ourselves and then later expand that practice onto others.  Looking and listening within, with a sense of curiosity is the beginning of the self-love meditation.  In his book, Teachings on Love, he says, “To know the real situation within ourselves, we have to survey our own territory thoroughly, including the elements within us that are at war with each other.  To bring about harmony, reconciliation, and healing within, we have to understand ourselves.  Looking and listening deeply, surveying our territory, is the beginning of love meditation.”

I like to think of this love meditation as a practice of self compassion, deep listening and curiosity.  When we show up with and foster curiosity, there isn’t room for the duality of judgment. We can see our past but not be stuck in it.  We can conceive of our worries and fears but not be paralyzed by them.   Awareness is the greatest teacher.  Balance is the art of awareness and response. Have you ever noticed how the act of maintaining balance is dynamic? Balance isn’t ever static.  I think for example of a practicing a handstand.  While a perfectly poised handstand seems so solid and strong, the gymnast is artfully tuning in to each little shift and responding accordingly, hollowing their core, driving through the shoulders, pointing the toes, playing with the back and forth fine tuning of maintaining their balance in their hands, ever so slightly back and forth between the palm and the fingers.

There is an art in maintaining balance, even with respect to love. The art lies in developing and maintaining awareness of when we are off balance; this awareness, of when we are out of balance, allows us to make adjustments to bring us back into balance. That is perhaps the biggest lesson. Love and connection exists within each of us. When we look for partners to value, affirm and admire us -- instead of looking within ourselves, admiring ourselves, finding our own value and affirmations -- our connections often will continue to elude us. Whether you are married, in a relationship or looking forward to your next one, hold on to these thoughts; only when we find love and compassion within ourselves does life find more balance, and only when we find balance within ourselves, can we see the full power and potential of love and connection that exists outside of us within our relationships.

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Read more...

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. New York: Delta Books.

Nhat Hanh, T. (2007). Teachings on Love. California: Parallax Press.

Open House

5 Cliff Street, 2nd Fl., Beacon NY

Saturday January 11th, 2014

from 3-6pm

New Year & Local Art Celebration

Event Sponsored by The Beacon Public Space Project & The 5 Cliff Street Studios including:

• Rebekah Azzarelli, Homeopathy
• J.C. Calderon Architect, LEED AP  www.jccarchitect.com
• Elizabeth Casasnovas, LCCE, Childbirth Education, Doula, Prenatal Yoga  www.beaconbirth.com
• Emily Joslin-Roher, LCSW, Psychotherapist
• Paul Supple, Lawyer www.supplelaw.com
• Hope G. Turino, LCSW, Certified/Licensed Psychotherapy and EMDR
• Rebecca Wong, LCSW, Psychotherapy & Coaching  www.rebeccawonglcsw.com

CRAFTING REMEMBRANCES: Honoring a Mother's Loss

Monday, December 16th, 2013, 6:00-8:00pm Hosted by Illuminated Baby at Fiberflame, 1776 Route 212, Saugerties, NY 12477

We gather together, as Women, to support and nurture one another as we share our journey of healing after the loss of a child, miscarriage or stillbirth. Using our hands and hearts we will "craft a remembrance" to honor our beloved child and our experience as we move forward in a safe supportive space facilitated by Rebecca Wong, LCSW.

There is a $15 Material fee (for which some donations have been received)

Registration is required: contact illuminatedbaby@gmail.com or 845-684-7024

Find our FaceBook event HERE.

nourished

“Each time you look at a tangerine, you can see deeply into it. You can see everything in the universe in one tangerine. When you peel it and smell it, it’s wonderful. You can take your time eating a tangerine and be very happy.” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

For as long as I can recall, I struggled with my body image.  Food and weight was a loaded subject in my household growing up; a story that can be traced back several generations.  Our bodies were commented on in less than empowering ways and complements weren't experienced positively when received.  My father died at the age of 52 of heart disease and type II diabetes that stemmed from a life of obesity.  I knew I wanted to be healthier, but without a model of what that looked like I was in for a long road of trial and error.  I've struggled with headaches and IBS, PCOS, obesity, disordered body image and eating and an un-inspired, non- athletic, deconditioned childhood.

In the last two decades I've tried every style of "healthy eating" from veganism to paleo.  I've restricted my calories and eliminated food groups, worked with fitness coaches, dietitians, acupuncturists and physicians...  For a long time I hated preparing meals, I'm just starting to really embrace the preparation.  How I made changes had SO much to do with learning about food and how it affected MY body AND also understanding the values surrounding food and nourishment, the ones I choose for myself and the ones that were passed down. I believe in the power of gaining awareness over our the stories and fuel that feeds us.  With awareness we can find healing, we can re-prioritize, re-inspire ourselves and learn how to nourish ourselves fully.

I have learnt that what works best for me is to eat a diet rich in unprocessed whole foods.  I don't stress the occasional treats or processed foods -- I practice mindful eating and enjoyment.   I don't use a scale very often, I listen to how my body feels.  I embrace my fluctuating body in all it's shapes and sizes and strengths.

Our relationships with food and the emotions we tie to eating have the power to free us of hold us back. I don't want to pass down the lessons about food and body image and nourishment that where passed down to me,  I choose body freedom.  I choose nourishment.  

In Warmth & Wellness,

working with me

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”―Buddha

Therapy can be extremely rewarding when you engage in the process of trying on new perspectives, tweaking habits that don’t serve you, and learning to nurture yourself and your relationships in new ways. The work of opening and examining your inner world — and trusting to share that process with another — requires considerable courage.

Together, we cultivate a healing relationship that nurtures the delicate balance of listening to your inner wisdom, respecting your limits, and encouraging growth. We take time to explore your hopes, joys, and fears to better understand your journey and find more satisfaction in your life and relationships. I help you build awareness of your own strengths and deepen your bond to yourself and become the person (or partnership) you would like to be.

As a psychotherapist specializing in maternal and relationship wellness, I work with women and couples to enhance both partners ability to understand and communicate effectively with one another, work as an effective, loving team and rebuild and/or maintain intimacy in your relationship.  Helping women, couples and families through the pregnancy and postpartum and parenting spectrum is a primary focus of my practice.

I work with many new(ish) mothers who have lost track or forgotten how to nurture and care for themselves. There is no wellness in depletion.  Mothers are sacred. They hold the family together with their pivotal nurturing role. Motherhood (and fatherhood, too) provides opportunity to grow beyond by nurturing and meeting needs within ourselves and rediscovering our sacredness.  It is for that reason that I believe whole-family wellness begins with the mother’s wellness.

I am very interested in how the mind and body work together. I believe all patterns and habits --of both movement and of thought-- can be refined and honed. Sometimes this work is best achieved in my psychotherapy office, sometimes in my gym.  Life presents challenges and stressors. Utilizing weight and fitness training in therapy is a novelty for sure, and it's not for everyone, but I do offer it to select clients.  Regardless of where we work, the premise of the work is that we can practice and hone mental training cues that work best for you in therapy/in sport/under the barbell, and then you can learn to translate them into your life and your relationships.

When you choose to enter into a nurturing therapeutic relationship with me, we utilize my unique blend of psychotherapy and coaching to reshape mind, body, and spirit.  We build on your strengths.  We tap into the power of relationships, first through developing our therapeutic relationship with one another, then by honing your relationship with yourself and eventually through coaching you how to use what you have learned in therapy in all of your other life relationships.  We practice mindfulness and compassion; we nurture wellness.  Wellness is multi-dimensional; body, mind & spirit --it begins in the mind and is nurtured through our self-view and our relationships with others.

In other words, we tap into your strength potential and get you good with yourself --body, mind & spirit-- then we build on that and make your connections to others in your life stronger too.

In Warmth & Wellness,

 

It's all in the set-up!

I was reading the comments on one of my favorite Facebook pages and a follower asked

"How do you ever really feel peace when you try and try and try again and continue to FAIL! It is hard to feel at peace with your body when you look in the mirror and hate what you see  If only there were more sources that make you feel ok in your skin! I love the concept of the new jean commercial that states the size as "amazing" or "sassy"..."   

I'm not usually one to respond to followers on someone else's page, but this time I did. I said,

"Set goals that aren't subjective.  When you run a mile, you've run a mile.  When you run it faster than you did last time that's a personal record.  Set goals that allow you to build success upon success so you focus on the successes rather than the failures. It's all in the set-up."

Can you see the difference between my comment and the one I was responding to?

This past year I've attended a variety of Olympic Lifting coaching trainings and I've learned very valuable coaching perspectives from all of them, perhaps the most valuable takeaway for me;  it's all in the set-up!  

If you are comparing yourself to advertisements you aren't going to look as airbrushed or styled, or fit.  Even the actors/models/athletes/politicians themselves don't in real life.

If you start comparing yourself to yourself and start looking at non-subjective goals, it's going to start adding up.

Confidence will grow and it will get easier to keep looking for success.

Here are some more little tidbits I've picked up in relation to coaching the Olympic Lifts, can you see why this SO speaks to the psychotherapist in me...? ;)

• Learn the skills to observe and analyze and you can deepen pathways to provide more ease, efficiency and effectivity.
• The greater the technique, and skill, the more movement we can make under stress (i..e.,weight on the barbell/life).  Both strength and technique are buildable.
• Look for weakness not as an end, but with the end in mind.
• Learn to see pathways towards success and isolate how to get there.
• Look at the process; where and why you are there.
• Understand where do you want to go and how to get there and then they craft a program to get there; maintain focus and observation allowing for shifts to programing as needed.
• The learning and refinement of skill and strength creates a new pathway and a successful pattern.   Success built upon success and allows for greater growth.

I like to think that this is a role I take on with my clients.  Not necessiarily in relation to coaching athletes on Olympic Lifts, but certainly that I take the process of breaking down skills strengths and patterns into successful training pathways and apply that methodology to other pathways in life as well; building success upon success in the form of mental training and coaching.

How do you shape your paradigm so you see opportunities for success rather than failure?